Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Chinese President Xi Jinping.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Chinese President Xi Jinping.
JERRY
Good morning, Mr. President.
XI
Life like bird. Cute until poop on head.
JERRY
We look to you X on how the coronavirus started in Wuhan. What happened?
XI
Many theory. Some say bat give China man tummy ache and fever. He cough on bus and spread germ. Other say virus escape from lab. Lab workers ill, so I send to asylum.
JERRY
What kind of asylum?
XI
Insane. It all in head. No coronavirus. Bad Chinese food.
JERRY
Two words…Panda Express.
JERRY
Is it true you lived in a cave when you were a kid?
XI
Only friend Dracula. But he pain in neck. See scar?
JERRY
Yep. He had a bat temper.
XI
You funnyman.
JERRY
The WHO said you fudged statistics about how many people have coronavirus. How can China report just 83,000 cases and the US is over 740,000? You have 1.3 billion people and we have 320 million.
XI
Who da WHO?
JERRY
World Health Organization.
XI
Yes. So sorry. I throw Chinese WHO representative down flight of stairs. But realize it was Wong on many levels.
JERRY
You are a workaholic.
XI
That because Trumpster dwive me cwazy. He add 15% tariff to Chinese export. But we smarter. China don’t pay. They pass on to American. Hurt farmers.
XI
Hey, Duncan. You smart man. If cow laugh hard, would milk come out nose?
JERRY
Not if she has a moostache.
XI
You want to do comedy for Chinese prisoners? Sellout crowds. They not show up. No live.
JERRY
People are scared of China’s economic and military power. You want to take over Hong Kong and Taiwan.
XI
Complicated. Taiwan and Hong Kong independent, but own by me. One China Principle agree to. I leave alone, because we make money together. But want to take over North Korea. Little Kim pain in ass. He always cry when Trumpster threaten to destroy country. Kimster want revenge with missile. I say no worry. Trump already destroy America.
JERRY
You have a wife?
XI
Her name Peng. She big shot Communist party member. In 1989, Peng support Chinese Army crackdown on students in Tiananmen Square. Mean and lean. Know karate.
XI
I ask Peng. What worse? Getting kicked in nuts or child birth?
JERRY
X. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
XI
No cru.
JERRY
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
XI
You smart man. Are you psychologist?
JERRY
Just a psycho. Please don’t judge me. There aren’t many people that look like vegetables.
XI
I go, Duncan. Wife call, gotta change diaper.
JERRY
Why is she in diapers?
XI
I give two reason: number 1 and number 2.
JERRY
It’s time the United States does social distancing from China. See you tomorrow.
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