The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Mitch ‘Turtle’ McConnell

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews Kentucky Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell, from his pond in Louisville.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Today on the show, I have a special guest. From his pond in Louisville, Kentucky, Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell.

Senator Mitch "Turtle" McConnellJERRY

Looking at you, Senator. I understand why some animals eat their young.

SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL

Was that an insult, Duncan?

JERRY

No, Turtle. I’m describing you.

MCCONNELL

The story of my life. When I was a kid, I tried to get into a freak show at the Kentucky State Fair. The guy said, “Sorry, no professionals.”

JERRY

Speaking of ugly, you recently said President Obama should keep his mouth shut. That he is classless regarding his criticism of the way Trump is handling the coronavirus. What hypocrisy.

MCCONNELL

Hold on there.

JERRY

No. You hold on, Turtle Wax.

JERRY

Before Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2016, he said Obama was not born in the United States. I quote, “an incredible source has called my office.”

MCCONNELL

I can explain.

JERRY

Here’s a bold face lie. “Obama founded ISIS. I give him the most valuable player award. The same award I gave to Hillary Clinton. The country’s generals were reduced to rubble under Obama.”

JERRY

18,000 lies in three years. The truth is Trump fired all the good generals. He said, ” I know more than the generals.”

MCCONNELL

Duncan. He’s not a politician.

JERRY

He’s not even a human being.

MCCONNELL

There is a silver lining. Trump helped people like me pay less taxes. Greed is good.

JERRY

You dragged Obama through the mud for eight years. From his first day in office, you plotted with fellow Republicans to make him a one term president. You blocked his nominations for Federal Judicial vacancies. Even refusing to give Supreme Justice Court nominee Merrick Garland a hearing.

MCCONNELL

Get me some lettuce.

JERRY

And that’s not all, Moscow Mitch. In 2016, you refused to sign a bipartisan statement warning the public of Russia’s attempts to influence the election. Blocked election security legislation to protect the nation from foreign interference in our elections. Why?

MCCONNELL

Because a generous Russian investor named Oleg Deripaska made a $200 million dollar investment in an aluminum facility in Kentucky. I’m a job creator.

JERRY

No lettuce for you.

Donald Trump bursts through the door.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

You tell em, Mitch. Putin is an honorable man. Let me read a message from Puty to the American people. Good guy. Good guy.

PUTIN

Dear Trump and America,

You’re jelly to burger, knife to soup, bagel to pork chop, ketchup to ice cream. I make no sense.  When I was boy in St. Petersburg, dream of being spy in KGB. Hero Boris and Natasha. Bullwinkle Moose was idiot. Dreams come true. I new James Bond. Recruit people East Germany to spy on West. Journalists, scientists, professors who travel. I steal NATO secrets. Prostitutes visit Trump in Moscow. He spill the beans.

TRUMP

Kind man. Always thinking of others first. Lots of hookers. Lots of hookers.

Trump continues reading.

PUTIN

Trump my puppet. I love puppet. Remind me of Big Bird, only orange.

TRUMP

Who doesn’t love a puppet?

Trump continues reading.

PUTIN

I spread wishes for coronavirus to West. Go scuba diving!

JERRY

Trumpster. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

TRUMP

No clue.

JERRY

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

JERRY

What we learned today is Moscow Mitch is loyal to Donald Trump, not the constitution of the United States. What do you have to say, Senator? Turtle? Where are you?

TRUMP

He’s hibernating under a rock in  your backyard.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Dean Kaner

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