Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/27/20

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

SAG Awards
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston at the SAG Awards.

Breaking: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston looked cozy at SAG Awards

I guess she finally forgave him for the Angelina Jolie stuff. I mean, they were on a break, for god’s sake!

Florida man arrested for tranquilizing and raping alligators in Everglades

If it happened in Australia, it’d be a load of croc…

New study shows audience’s hearts synchronize at the theatre

While at the movie ‘Cats,’ it was sleep REMs.

Barry Bonds didn’t make the Baseball HOF, again

Which explains just one of the reasons he no longer has such a swelled head.

Kellyanne Conway turns 53 today

What do you get for the girl who’s lied about everything?!

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says 2020 is off to a fine start for her: “I’m cancer-free.”

As opposed to the White House …

Smugglers tried to bring 3,700 invasive crabs through the Port of Cincinnati

… would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for all that itching, scratching.

RIP Kobe Bryant

Damn, only 41. Ironically, he could put that number up every damn night. So sad.

Kourtney Kardashian’s 7-year-old daughter Penelope steals the show in $200 Versace swimsuit

More amazing was Lev Parnas standing in the background…

The NY Times picked Klobuchar AND Warren to endorse for Dem Prez nomination

They also got the 49ers AND the Chiefs in the Super Bowl!

Dershowitz says he will defend the president by arguing that even if he did abuse his power, he hasn’t committed any actual crimes

… and if there were actually crimes, Trump was wearing his underwear at the time, so, it doesn’t count …

Franklin Graham says Melania Trump is “The classiest First Lady our county has ever had”

I don’t know about that, those Linotypes with a naked Martha Washington and Abigail Adams are pretty hot, uh, I mean classy!

Mitch McConnell reportedly fell asleep during impeachment proceedings Tuesday

‪… when he woke up he found out his seat had been stolen and given to Merrick Garland…

Greta Thunberg fires back after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says she isn’t qualified to lecture the US on climate change

Greta: Who?

Paul Lander
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