The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 68-71

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!

Jerry Duncan Show play
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

Scene 6   Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry seated in his chair, flips through a black book.

JERRY

(talks to himself) Bunch of losers. Sally Simon…stupid. Trish Sweeney…ugly. Joanne Martin…missing teeth. Susan Pershkin…pimples.

He tosses the book over his shoulder.

JERRY

I’m so bored. I even miss talking to my mother.

Maggie enters.

MAGGIE

That’s what I was hoping you’d say. But not the reason I’m here.

JERRY

What do you mean?

MAGGIE

You’re in danger, Jerry.

There is a loud pounding on the door.

MAGGIE

Don’t answer!

ALEC BALDWIN

Open up. I need to talk to you, Duncan.

JERRY

That voice. It sounds familiar. I’m gonna look through the peephole.

MAGGIE

Don’t let him see you.

Jerry looks.

JERRY

It’s Alec Baldwin.

The pounding continues. People in the apartment building are yelling.

ANGRY VOICE #1

It’s eleven o’clock at night. I’m trying to sleep, you bastard!

ANGRY VOICE #2

I hope you’re evicted, Duncan!

ANGRY VOICE #3

Your show sucks!

BALDWIN

I’ll huff and I’ll puff. And I’ll blow your cheap door down!

JERRY

You can’t fool me, Baldwin.

BALDWIN

Don’t mess with my head. I’m the big bad wolf. Wait a second. I am Alec Baldwin. Please open up, you’re my last hope. I need to speak to the smartest man on the planet.

MAGGIE

Let him in. We’ll talk later.

Jerry opens the door. Alec Baldwin enters as Maggie exits.

BALDWIN

Sorry to bother you at home, Duncan.

JERRY

That’s what OJ Simpson said to his ex-wife Nicole before he killed her.

BALDWIN

My career is going south. I recently punched out a man for taking my parking spot. I’m still haunted by the voice mail I left my daughter Ireland when I called her “a rude, thoughtless little pig.”

JERRY

Don’t forget when you punched out the photographer for videotaping your wife Kim Basinger.

BALDWIN

You had to remind me.

JERRY

She’s hot.

BALDWIN

Mean…sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see Ireland for years. I want to throw Kim off the Brooklyn Bridge! Hold on, my meditation chant.

BALDWIN

Ahmmmmmm. Sorry, I lost my cool. Are we on the air?

JERRY

Are you on drugs? This is my living room. Hey, Bong Breath. Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetner?

BALDWIN

I can’t think right now.

JERRY

She thought it was a diet coke.

BALDWIN

Quit screwing around. Where’s my feet?! Did you hide them?

JERRY

No wonder you’re messed up. You were born in Amityville, New York. That’s where the horror film takes place.

BALDWIN

It makes sense. My brother is Stephen Baldwin.

JERRY

He’s a nut job.

BALDWIN

Go ahead, destroy my family. Ahmmmmmm.

JERRY

Listen, Baldwin. You have too many activities. That’s your problem.

BALDWIN

You might be right. But I can’t give up my charity Gere’s Rear.

JERRY

What’s that?

BALDWIN

We rescue gerbils that hide in Richard Gere’s ass and reunite them with their families.

JERRY

It’s a noble cause. But get rid of your brother Stephen. He’s the most insane person on the planet.

BALDWIN

Yeah. We did a series  together called Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers. In one episode, Stephen made me spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Betty White. I’m damaged goods.

BALDWIN

Thanks for your advice, Duncan.

Baldwin gives him a high five. Jerry moves over to the radio station.

Scene 7   Radio Station

The intern greets Jerry.

INTERN

The show from Sing Sing prison is going to rock.

JERRY

Can’t wait, man.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan. This letter came Priority Mail Express. The envelope smells like perfume.

The intern remains standing.

JERRY

Give me it!

The intern takes a whiff of the envelope and hands it to him, then exits. Jerry opens the envelope and reads the letter that is accompanied by a photo.

JERRY

She’s a 10! Unbelievable.

Reads the letter out loud.

Dear Jerry,

You are so handsome and brilliant. My name is Tiffany Anderson. I’m an astrologist. Long story short. I had a conversation with my late aunt who knows your mother. She said to get in touch with you. Here’s my number.

Tiffany

The intern returns. He glances at the photo.

JERRY

My dream girl.

INTERN

Yes, it is. Next stop Sing Sing prison.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner
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