[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Still Unfolding: Local Depressive Finds Herself Tired at Night for Once

Local HR representative and clinical depressive Ann Sayers defied expectations with changing sleeping habits.

FAIR HAVEN, NJ — A shock pulsed through the community last night as local HR representative and clinical depressive Ann Sayers defied expectations and for once found herself feeling tired at nighttime.

depressive by Aaron Stidwell
Photo by Aaron Stidwell, flickr.com.

“My normal sleeping hours are 4am-6am on weekdays, 5am-2pm on weekends,” claimed Sayers. “And then when I have to go to work I just have three coffees, maybe an Adderall, and spend the rest of my day periodically slapping myself in the face to keep me alert. But last night, when I started dozing off at around 11:30, something changed.”

Richard Sayers, Ann’s ex-husband and roommate, was reached for comment, and made a point to say that this was initially concerning for the two of them.

“I’ve always gone to bed before she did,” said Richard. “When we were sharing a bed, and after. I’ve never made it through an episode of Scandal before having to turn in at around midnight. We thought she was dying. I thought to call the hospital, but she insisted on just going to bed. I kept a close eye on her that night, not leaving her side.”

Sayers’ therapist, Dr. Nigel Rosenthal, told us how her depression and refusal to go on antidepressants has impacted her sleeping patterns.

“I mean, you talked to her right? Her life is a mess.” says Rosenthal. “I know I’m not supposed to say things like that but, god, her life is the worst. I’d be depressed. But yeah, she never sleeps and this is weird. Sorry, why are you writing about this again?”

“I woke up the next morning at around 9:30.” mused Sayers. “I didn’t even know the weekends had 9:30. I felt more alive and restored than I have in a long, long time and I really look forward to this new way of living.”

UPDATE: Our sources claim that Sayers did not sleep for 15 hours following that evening, meaning she began her work week on two hours of sleep. Her co-workers have said she looked more haggard than ever walking in that Monday. Richard has lost interest.

Andrew Gillespie
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