[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Parker Brothers Updating ‘Monopoly’ to Reflect Current Economy

New Monopoly to ‘better reflect the true financial times we live in’

Due to recent world economic changes, Parker Brothers has announced that it will update its world famous  ‘Monopoly’ game. The following changes will be made in the cards, the board and the general playing of the game.

monopolyAs a player you can now get a federal bailout for your bank. Meanwhile, you can still continue to foreclose on the same taxpayers who financed your bailout.

You can now buy up low-income property that is run down at a cheap price. You may then boot everyone out, so that you can tear down their houses and apartments and build luxury apartments. Entire towns can now be bought up and built up so much that the poor have nowhere to go.

“Free Parking” will no longer be free — Parker Brothers concedes that “there is no room and no heart in a truly capitalistic society for freebies.”

When buying electric companies you are allowed to have total monopolies over the entire power grid of your area. Ridiculing alternative energy sources and creating legislature against them is allowed, to prevent them from becoming a threat to you.

There will be more “Investigation by the IRS” cards than there have been in the past. And more players will end up in the Jail because of it.

As a property holder you can foreclose on the property, boot the residents out, keep the money they have paid you throughout the years, and resell it again and start the whole money leeching process all over again.

You can even forcibly take over an old lady’s house and land in Atlantic City, so that you can build another casino there — just like Donald Trump did!

New player token pieces: To include a gecko, in honor of Micheal Douglas’s role in Wall Street, a bust of Vladimir Putin in recognition of his taking over Russia’s oil company and throwing the founder in jail, a dyed red hair-piece in honor of Donald Trump, a flimsy pyramid to recognize Bernie Madoff, a Chinese yellow star in memory of the fact that the world’s second largest economy still considers itself communist, and a piece shaped like Iceland sinking in the ocean in memory of their being an entire country that almost tanked in the recession.

Special new “No Man’s Land” section: A new area will be designated in the middle of the board, to be occupied by the homeless, poor and former middle class. Everyone crowded in there has to fend for themselves. They will be ignored by all other players throughout the game. This will be the only part of the game board where tents will be allowed to be erected, but they will occasionally be cleaned out by the police.

The “Advance to Reading Railroad” card: If you draw this card, you will be able to rip out all the tracks, putting the company out of business. This is a good strategy when you are a Monopoly auto manufacturer and want to eliminate the competition.

New “Occupy Wall Street” section: This is where all the dissidents, hippies, malcontents and unfortunates will be shuttled. They will have to remain there until they “adjust their attitude.” The same section will serve as a second Jail when the first one becomes  overcrowded.

Using the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card: The modern version will be presented to you by your most in-pocket politician. Only the richest players will be eligible to get it. They will generally be issued the day before the politico leaves office.

Since the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card is only for richest players, the poorest must stay in jail for the entire game — and longer.

If your business runs into financial difficulties, you will have so much clout in Congress that you can finagle a bailout using taxpayer funds, while still shrieking about the dangers of socialism.

If at any time during the game you lose all your properties, you will thereafter be considered a second class citizen, shunned by the other players.

You will be allowed to start “Super PACs” as a way of dominating the game — whoever has the richest Super PAC to sponsor his candidate wins.

Poorer players must follow all the rules. Players who become CEO’s of their respective companies don’t have to follow any of the rules and can even make up new ones that the others have to follow.

Roger Freed