[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Thousands of Jobs for Earth People Available on Planet Zardoc

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Zardoc is said to have thousands of jobs available which are plentiful and extremely well-paid.

SNN has learned that there are thousands of high-paying jobs available to earthlings on the planet Zardoc.

Thousands of jobs on Planet Zardoc
Trips to Planet Zardoc are set to leave monthly.

Zardoc is the wealthiest planet in the Stratustic Yuccasphere. The average resident of the planet is worth the equivalent of 84 million dollars in American money, so Zardocians have no need for jobs.

Wages on Zardoc are “unreal” — a server at Blappo’s (Zardoc’s Wendy’s) are 23,000 Gizankas an ooker (about $4,000.00 an hour).

The best-paying positions include being a Bumbelstumpher on an intergalactic garbage scow. The bumbelstumpher position is comparable to the first mate on a luxury yacht, a Roto-Rooter man or a hired assassin. The job requires that the applicant be fluent in intergalactic languages and weapons.

The second-highest paying position is that of a Garoofer, or professional foot kisser. Having the feet kissed is a particular luxury to wealthy Zardocians, who like it done about 8500 times a day.

Another top salary position is that of Sqewbleflasser, or money-eater. Old Zardocian coins must be eaten and defecated into space. Possession of at least 1000 cases of Ex-Lax are a requirement.

There are openings for earth hookers, but Zardocians have 237 sex organs, which all must be serviced simultaneously.

If you are considering a job on Zardoc, you must consider that currently, there are several hardships confronting you. First, travel to Zardoc is quite long and primitive. A spaceship journey to Zardoc lasts approximately 219 yekmoms in Zardocian time or 20 years earth time. There is no earth food service on board, so consider packing 22,000 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. There is also no bathroom facilities for earthlings… so pack another 750 rolls of TP.

Lastly, there is no conversion rate for Zardocian money to any kind of earth money. If you make it there, you have to spend it there.

If you interested in obtaining work on Zardoc, you may obtain job applications from SNN, in care of Humor Times. There is a non-refundable application fee of $225.00 (U.S. earth dollars). Make checks payable to Ted Holland at SNN.

Ted Holland