[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Volcanic Eruption Unearths Anti-Historical Burial Sites

Burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire revealed long-lost secrets that probably should have remained so.

Part of the "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)" series.

An eruption of the Mount Krudeboe volcano on the Slobovian luxury vacation capital, The Isle of Pisse, has unearthed the burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire.

volcano burial sitesThe Slobbo-Roman was formed as alliance between Rome and Slobovia around 36 BC when Slobovian princess Eurene the Earless beat Julius Caesar’s cousin Vinnie in what is believed to be the first crap game. The territory included Southern Slobovia and all of Rome east of Vito’s Pizza Parlour’s Appian Way location.

The empire only lasted 4 years and had approximately 36 emperors. Most had very short reigns that ended in assassination. Death by Boiling Scheep Schitte was the preferred method of removing an emperor.

So far, archaeologists have discovered the tombs of the following emperors:

TOEJAMUS — One of the earliest rulers. Toejamus was a Body odor worshiper. He made it a sacrilege for citizens to bathe. He professed that the stronger the body funk the more sexually virile a person was. He was finally killed by his own bodyguards, who no longer could stand the stink and crucified him upside down in a Roman bath.

GUACUS AMOLIUS — Formerly Julius Caesar’s personal sushi chef. Invented the popular dish Guaca Mole and named it after himself. Also invented the short-lived live crocodile sandwich.

TALLAWHACKUS — Emperor Nero’s half sisters’ brother’s stepson. Invented a mathematics system using his penis instead of an abacus. While Nero fiddled while Rome burned… guess what he did…

GRABBUS CRAPPUS — Aka Little Greedy… printed his own currency. Founded the first Roman Hedge Fund and the first Roman Ponzi Scheme. Reportedly killed in a casino brawl, but also reportedly fled to East Babylonia where he became a used Chariot salesman.

WHODAHELLUS — The unknown emperor…

BODIDDLIUS — The regions hottest bandleader and top lyre player… very popular with the female population. He had a thing for Cleopatra but she wasn’t interested and publicly rejected him on the tv show Slobbo — Roman Bandstand. He turned his heartbreak into his biggest hit record “Baby Kiss My Asp.”

SLAMBANGUS GLUTIUS MAXIMUS — Won the rule in a wrestling match, then singlehandedly killed the entire Roman senate when they objected. Stabbed in the back by his tag team partner Jiveturkeyius on February 32 on the Slobovian calendar.

ANTICLIMAXIUS — The most boring emperor… mandated 18 hour siestas daily.

PONTIOUS VIAGRUS — Rome’s greatest sex warrior attempted to defeat the Barbarian hordes by personally screwing all their wives and girlfriends. When he banged Attila the Hun’s baby sister Attila got mad and burned Rome to the ground.

Ted Holland

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