Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ted Cruz and Ron Perlman have Twitter beef
It’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’… you decide which is which!
Turnout at Trump’s Tulsa Rally was just under 6,200 – a fraction of the venue’s 19,200 capacity: Forbes
So, Tulsa welcomed Trump by staging a re-enactment of his inaugural crowd.
Britney Spears debuts new bangs in sexy bikini photo: ‘I Did It!’
Shouldn’t that be “Oooops I did it, again?”
Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know using private email for government business was illegal
And she’s the smartest one…
A Dolly Parton statue may replace KKK leaders’ Memorial at Tennessee Capitol
… makes sense replacing a giant boob with giant boobs…
Judge clears way for John Bolton to publish his book, rejecting Trump administration effort to block it
To really embarrass Trump, John Bolton should’ve had his new book repeat Chapter 11 six times.
24/7 Fitness to declare bankruptcy
In order to avoid paying their debt ,look for them to join the 24/7 Fitness Protection Program.
‘Miss Hitler’ beauty pageant entrant and three others jailed for neo-Nazi group membership
… wasn’t this a deleted scene from ‘The Producers?’
NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli will quit because they banned the Confederate flag
… to become the world’s fastest Uber driver…
Lady Gaga forgoes pants for an iced coffee date with Michael Polansky
To paraphrase Chris Farley: “Latte friggin. Da.”
Protesters topple statue of Jefferson Davis in Virginia Capitol
If it helps people deal with it, instead of saying the statue was torn down, just say it tripped and fell.
Alan Dershowitz complains he’s being shunned by Martha’s Vineyard residents
In fact, Martha’s Vineyard residents have made it clear to Alan Dershowitz that they’re not practicing social distancing, they just don’t want to be anywhere near him!
Lady Antebellum changes name to Lady A, to denounce former name’s association to slavery
They were going to change it to Lady J, but Lindsey Graham already took that one.
Trump cheered at Tulsa rally after drinking water with one hand
Or. Worst. America’s. Got. Talent. Audition. Ever.