[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Russian Coronavirus Cases Drop after Putin Wrestles Virus

Daily new cases down to zero after President Putin defeated the Russian coronavirus in a judo match.

New cases of the Russian coronavirus have fallen to zero following President Vladimir Putin’s victory over the virus in a judo match. According to our sources, as Russia’s confirmed cases exceeded half a million, President Putin, a known judo practitioner, popped off his suit, popped on his judogi, and challenged the coronavirus to a match, saying only, “Let’s dance.”

Putin defeats Russian coronavirusRussians have embraced the news, and Putin has enjoyed a renewal of enthusiasm and support. One Moscow resident we interviewed was overjoyed: “Seeing our president judo-chop a respiratory illness filled my heart with pride.” As she wiped her tears, she added, “I can touch my face again! Thanks to Putin, I can touch my face again!”

Putin’s actions have garnered attention from the international medical community. Researchers around the world have begun looking at judo as an effective treatment against the coronavirus. “We knew the virus was an expert in karate and jujitsu,” one British epidemiologist commented. “Now that we know it lacks expertise in judo, however, we are the most hopeful we’ve been in months.”

In the United States, President Trump has praised Putin’s victory and announced the creation of the United States Judo Agency within the Department of Health and Human Services. To head the new agency, the president has tapped former child star Ralph Macchio. Macchio, having first heard of the news through the media, was shocked, saying to reporters, “But I’m the karate kid. Doesn’t he know there’s a difference between judo and karate?” to which Vice President Pence responded, “No, no he does not.”

It’s unclear what effect this will have on the treatment of other viruses, but scientists are hopeful that judo or one of its related martial arts could be used to combat illnesses like Ebola and the seasonal flu. Despite global optimism, however, there are fears of a second epidemic, this one of broken noses and hurt feelings.

Evan Helmlinger

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