[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

In Lieu of Traditional Celebrations, Biden Inauguration to Include Awkward Zoom Happy Hour

Due to pandemic concerns, the president-elect’s transition team will host an online event for the Biden inauguration.

The upcoming Biden inauguration will include an awkward happy hour via the web conferencing service Zoom, according to two sources familiar with the preparations.

The choice to host the event online is due in large part to coronavirus concerns; however, senior staff are also positioning the happy hour as a way for Biden to connect with the public. According to one source, “The president-elect wants to forge a common connection with the people, and that includes the insufferable awkwardness of Zoom happy hours.”

Biden inaugurationThe Humor Times has received a preliminary list of guests and their expected cocktails. In attendance will be Biden’s VP, Kamala Harris, who will be drinking a blood orange martini, while Merrick Garland, Biden’s nominee for attorney general, is slated to attend with a gin and tonic. Pete Buttigieg, Biden’s Transportation pick, will also be attending but with a Sprite because he is not yet old enough to legally drink alcohol.

Other outlets have reported that, in a surprise move, outgoing Vice President Mike Pence will attend and will be enjoying “special” brownies on the call. In explaining his decision, Pence said, “After what happened last week at the Capitol, I’m going ‘Left Coast’ on everyone’s ass.” (The Humor Times has not been able to independently verify the claim or the potency of the brownies.)

After news last year of Zoom calls hijacked by intruders, Biden’s team is ensuring the strictest security for the event. One of those planning the event commented, “Security will be tight. We’ve put passcodes and other measures in place to ensure only the invited guests join the call. However, we need to make sure that the president-elect is able to log on as well, with a password easy to remember, like 1-2-3-4-5-6. Wait, don’t publish that.”

The president-elect, a known teetotaler, will be attending with a club soda, but is reportedly reaching out to Pence’s camp to check if, in the words of one source, “one former vice [president] can hook up another.”

Evan Helmlinger