[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Senator Rand Paul Filibusters Senate Lunch Order Over Carrots in Wrap

The Kentucky senator’s blocking of the Senate lunch leads to historic day at the Capitol.

On Monday, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky filibustered the Senate lunch order after discovering that the vendor would not remove carrots from their pre-packaged buffalo chicken wrap. The senator explained, “The buffalo chicken wrap is a staple of American lunches. QuikBite’s refusal to remove carrots from their version is an affront to everything this country eats for.”

Rand Paul, Senate lunchAccording to Senate rules, a vote by at least sixty senators can end a filibuster; however, a bipartisan group has sided with Senator Paul, blocking any cloture vote. One of the Democrats joining the move is Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut, who echoed Paul’s sentiment: “Carrots on a buffalo chicken wrap is wrong. It’s not illegal, but it’s counter to what the world’s greatest deliberative body represents. We can not set this precedent.” A source close to Senator Blumenthal confirmed he had had a late breakfast.

By 3:00pm that afternoon, the Senate’s blood sugar was at a low, and tensions were at a high. “This is totally ridiculous and completely cruel,” Senator Bernie Sanders, who had ordered tuna on rye, told reporters. “Senator Paul keeps nuts in his desk for crying out loud. We’re starving here!”

Both allies and adversaries of the United States have watched the proceedings in earnest. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has privately suggested that the U.S. Senate end its unusual tradition of voting on lunch orders, while Russian President Vladimir Putin is said to have enjoyed a pastrami grinder while watching a live feed of C-SPAN.

Right before 6:00pm, Senator Paul reversed his position in a surprise move, citing a need to get home for dinner. A source close to the senator, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicated that a threat from Schumer’s pro-lunch faction to filibuster the dinner order had influenced Senator Paul’s flip-flop. (Humor Times has not yet been able to verify the presence of carrots in the dinner options.)

Tuesday’s breakfast order is expected to be far less contentious. QuikBite Catering offers chocolate chip pancakes on Tuesdays and Fridays, the deliciousness of which mark a rare point of unanimous agreement in the Senate.

Evan Helmlinger