[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Justice Barrett: First Days on SCOTUS Marked by Practical Jokes, Pranks

Both liberal and conservative justices on the court have been pranking Trump’s pick, Justice Barrett, since her first day on the Court.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s Supreme Court appointment following the death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, has been the subject of multiple practical jokes during her first days on the job.

Justice BarrettAccording to our sources, the pranks—ranging from whoopie cushions on her seat to stink bombs in her office—have come from both her liberal and conservative colleagues. The only justice not participating in the shenanigans has been Chief Justice John “Big Cheese” Roberts who called the pranks “damaging to the legitimacy of the court” but also “freaking hilarious.”

The first reported practical joke came on Barrett’s first day when clerks for Elena “Cheech” Kagan replaced the sour cream Barrett intended to use on her lunch with Crisco. (Because the justices have been working remotely,  the justices’ clerks are carrying out the pranks.) The next day, Barrett discovered several ounces of glitter in her judicial robe, a joke allegedly orchestrated by another Trump pick, Brett “Brewski” Kavanaugh. The glitter quickly became ingrained in the surrounding furniture, carpeting, and electronics, with Barrett’s husband, Jesse Barrett, describing the scene as “so devastating we may have to move. Not cool, bro!”

When asked why the pranks are occurring now, Supreme Court watcher Tom Goldstein remarked, “[Ruth Bader] Ginsburg was the adult in the room and held the others to a higher standard. Now that she’s gone, it’s like a frat house.” Other experts have disagreed that Ginsburg’s passing was the catalyst for the frat-like atmosphere; some have pointed to the late justice’s superhuman ability to keg stand and her still-unbeaten win streak at beer pong: 87 consecutive wins alongside teammate and colleague Justice Sonia “Line ’em up” Sotomayor.

Justice Barrett, for her part, has not taken the pranks lightly and has retaliated against some of her colleagues. Following the glitter incident, Barrett allegedly had images of Senator Amy Klobuchar—who famously grilled Kavanaugh during his confirmation—hidden throughout Kavanaugh’s house to startle him. In the days since the images were placed, Kavanuagh has refused to re-enter his home out of fear, instead crashing on Justice Neil “Squeech” Gorsuch’s futon.

It’s not clear how long this hazing will last. Some of the clerks have feared it could grow into an all-out prank war, something Barrett may be well equipped to handle: one of her former classmates at Notre Dame Law School advised the other justices “not to poke the bear… I’m still blind in one eye because of one of her pranks involving a prophylactic and a slingshot.”

Evan Helmlinger