FBI Investigation: Kavanaugh Failed to Reach Own Goals, Drank Just 97 Kegs of Beer

Explosive new revelation: total kegs of beer don’t add up.

Explosive new revelations emerged today about Judge Brett Kavanaugh, whose nomination to the Supreme Court was confirmed by the Senate on Saturday following a renewed FBI investigation.

Previously undisclosed results of the investigation indicate that, despite boasts of “100 kegs or bust” in Kavanaugh’s high school yearbook, Kavanaugh and his friends only consumed 97 kegs of beer in their senior year.

“We were able to obtain solid evidence for 97 kegs,” said a senior FBI official, who requested anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the investigation. “But our investigation raised serious doubt about whether the last 3 kegs were ever fully consumed.”

Kavanaugh disputed the FBI’s findings.

“I like beer,” Kavanaugh said. “I liked beer in high school. I like beer today. And I’ll be enjoying many, many beers while I’m sitting on the Supreme Court writing totally fair, unbiased, apolitical opinions destroying everything liberals cherish.”

“So I can assure you of one thing, ” Kavanaugh continued. “Me and my buddies were the sloppiest, most obnoxious drunks you’ve ever seen throw ice in your face.”

“Now I’ve had some terrible things said about me recently. But the accusation that I would leave a perfectly good keg unfinished is the lowest form of character assassination,” Kavanaugh said, adding, “I’m pretty sure the Clintons are behind it.”

Democrats in the Senate said they would seek to hold hearings on the new revelations.

“Judge Kavanaugh needs to come clean,” said Senator Cory Booker, Democrat from New Jersey. “The American people deserve to know the truth: Was it 100 kegs, or was it bust?”

Kavanaugh’s nomination was so contentious and divisive, some Americans are wondering whether the nation’s political discourse, and the image of the Supreme Court, could possibly get worse.

Asked about this, Kavanaugh responded, “Hold my beer.”

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Jeff Cahlon

Jeff Cahlon is an attorney and writer in New York. He writes political and social commentary and satire. Jeff has written over 40 articles that have been published on over a dozen different websites, including several leading humor/satire websites. Jeff has been named a "Top Writer in Satire" on Medium.