Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump continues contesting election results after Biden’s win

Four years ago Hillary Clinton put on her big boy pantsuit and conceded. Time to order a pair of Under Armour big boy golf pants.

Oregon becomes 1st state to decriminalize drug possession as New Jersey, Arizona legalize marijuana

Which answers the question the rest of the world is asking: “Seriously, America, what drugs are you on?”

The Amish trend on Twitter

They’d be really happy if they knew.

Trump’s attempts to sabotage USPS, Democrats hurt his own voters more

Frankly, Trump being against the Post Office was just weird … given that his brides tend be mail ordered.

Nigerian prince says he rented out an entire NYC restaurant for his first date with his now-wife, who had no idea he was a royal

So, that’s why my Nigerian uncle never emailed me back with my inheritance, he was busy.

Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost have tied the knot

… to anyone upset, like you had a shot.

Lara Trump denies mocking Joe Biden’s stutter, suggests cognitive decline

Her own or Biden’s?

Lori Loughlin is apparently a ‘wreck’ in prison, just days into her sentence

Probably because there’s no crew team …

Piers Morgan mercilessly ridicules ‘tantrum-throwing’ Donald Trump with ‘baby’ clip

Fortunately for Trump it was Morgan so not a lot people saw it.

RIP Alex Trebek

What is “F&%k you 2020 for a thousand?”

Tucker Carlson saying Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will FORCE you to drink Starbucks coffee every day

C’mon, Tucker, you are so full of Crappuccino.

USPS failed to deliver 27 percent of mail-in ballots in South Florida: report

On the upside no one missed out on those 20% off coupons from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Despite pressure, California Governor won’t budge on reopening Disneyland, other large theme parks

… if only there was a disease themed park like Knott’s Beriberi Farm!

Trump threatens to never leave White House

… well, if Trump won’t leave White House then just turn it into a Trump Casino; and it’ll be empty in no time…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)