Yes, We Want No Cicadas

The invasion is happening, but it’s not migrants, it’s cicadas!

A previous U.S. president often warned that there is an invasion coming and he couldn’t be more right. But it isn’t an incursion of migrants seeking entry at our southern border. It’s far worse. It is an insect invasion. This spring parts of the Mid-Atlantic and Midwest will witness billions or maybe even gazillions of cicadas emerging from underground for the first time since 2004.

This handsome devil was interviewed for this piece, and speaks for all cicadas. Image by Bruce Marlin. CC BY-SA 2.5.

No one wants to see this kind of insect infestation especially those who suffer from entomophobia, which is the fear of insects. Nearly all women suffer from this phobia. Most men are afraid of the big scary insects too. We just won’t admit it.

In an effort to learn more about the bug invasion, I arranged a meeting this week with a spokes-bug for the cicada hoard.

Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Me: Mr. Cicada, Isn’t it a little early for you to be out.

Mr. Cicada: Yes, it is. I seem to have been confused by climate change. The rest of our brood should be arriving later this Spring as planned.

Me: I see. Well, I was wondering if you would consider postponing your arrival for a few years. We really don’t want you guys to visit right now. It’s been a difficult time for us lately with; the pandemic, the wildfires, the killer hornets, the extreme cold and the zombie apocalypse at our Capital Building. America just got rid of one big pest. I’m not sure we can handle a locust plague right now.

Mr. Cicada: Please don’t confuse us with our locust cousins. We don’t decimate crops like they do. We don’t bite or sting or do anything harmful, although we do scare the bejesus out of your women folk. We are widely misunderstood.

Me: Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. It’s just that your winged bodies and red blood eyes creep us out and you are SO loud. Also, we hate the crunchy sound you make when we step on you.

Mr. Cicada: How do you think we feel about that?

Me: Some supporters of “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, claim that God is sending Cicadas to punish us for allowing the 2020 election to be stolen. They worry that you will be followed by plagues of boils, frogs, lice and more.

Mr. Cicada: That’s ridiculous. Brood X, that’s what we are called, do this pilgrimage every seventeen years. We have been planning this for a long time.

However, we did consider sheltering in place for another year or two as we also have concerns about the coronavirus. When we emerge, there can be as many as 1.5 million of us per acre. So, there is no way for us to social distance and, of course, we don’t wear masks.

Me: That is a good reason for you to stay underground.

Mr. Cicada: Also, you humans now consider us as snack food.

Me: Well, it turns out that you are low fat and high protein. Cicadas are perfect for many current diets. You guys are actually delicious when fried and served with hot mustard sauce.

Mr. Cicada: See, you have nothing to fear from us while we have a lot to fear from you.

Me: I guess you have a point.

Mr. Cicada: We understand what you are going through having been stuck in your homes eating junk food and watching The Crown for the past year, but Brood X has been sheltering in place for the entire seventeen years of our existence. We are teenagers who have for years been planning this huge party which, in reality, is just a big orgy. One of my brother cicadas just tweeted, “Be There. It Will Be Wild.” Sorry we refuse to be cancelled. And you can’t build a wall to keep us out. This Spring we are going to party likes it’s 2004 all over again.

Me: Ok, but can you keep the noise down? The male cicadas are as loud as lawn mowers.

Mr. Cicada: There is nothing we can do about that either. What you are hearing is the male mating call. Being loud and obnoxious is how boy cicadas try to attract girl cicadas. It’s not that different than how human teenage boys try to get the attention of human girls.

So, there you have it. Yes, we want no Cicadas, but Cicadas are what much of the East and Mid-West will be getting this Spring. Billions and billions of them.

Disclaimer: According to Trump’s former lawyer, Sidney Powell, no reasonable person would believe that I, or anyone living or dead, has actually had a conversation with a cicada.

JC Wade
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