Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former U.S. President Richard Nixon via heavenly hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven my guest is former President of the United States Richard M. Nixon.
JERRY
Good morning, my crooked friend.
PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON
Hold on, Mr. Duncan. People have got to know whether their President is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I’ve earned everything I got.
JERRY
Including almost getting impeached. Hey, I heard as a kid you were mugged by the fella on the Quaker Oats cereal box?
NIXON
No, no. That was a rumor. I was raised in a Quaker family. I refrained from alcohol, dancing and swearing. Quakers aren’t violent. We entertained ourselves by breathing paint chips through a straw.
JERRY
Do you know the difference between Quaker Oats and Minnesota Gophers football?
NIXON
No.
JERRY
Quaker Oats belong in a bowl.
JERRY
You have quite the resume. Received a full scholarship to Duke University Law School, where you met your wife Pat in 1938. Then married in 1940.
NIXON
Took Pat two years to decide after I proposed to her. That’s when I started drinking and swearing. And never ate Quaker Oats again.
JERRY
Then came World War 2 when you served in the Navy. What kind of grades did you need to enlist?
NIXON
7 C’s.
NIXON
You know, I was in the South Pacific. We fought hard against the Japanese. And defeated them. I, Richard Milhous Nixon earned the rank of Commander. You can salute me, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
You’ll need a ladder to get over yourself. When the war ended, you came home to California. Got into politics and ran as a Republican for Congress in 1945.
NIXON
Yep. It’s strange though, I never understood why Democrats were considered more attractive than Republicans.
JERRY
C’mon. Did you ever hear of a hot piece of elephant?
NIXON
You got a point. But I was the one elected to the House in 1946.
JERRY
That’s when you earned the nickname “Tricky Dick.” You falsely accused your opponents of being Communists and sucked up to the notorious anti-Communist U.S. Senator Joe McCarthy. And it didn’t end there.
NIXON
Who are you Bob Woodward, Jr?
JERRY
In 1950, you were elected to the U.S. Senate and reimbursed yourself for political expenses for the campaign. It was illegal.
NIXON
If you can’t lie, you’ll never go anywhere. (catching himself) Oops. Sorry God. Don’t put me in solitary again.
NIXON
I apologized to a national television audience, so Dwight Eisenhower wouldn’t drop me from the Republican ticket for Vice President. And it worked. Ike beat Adlai Stevenson in 1952 and 1956.
JERRY
Ego aside, you decided to run for President against U.S. Senator John F. Kennedy in 1960. And lost.
NIXON
Kennedy’s old man Joe Kennedy used his mob ties or I would have won. I have a feeling Joe isn’t buried anywhere…Jimmy Hoffa ate him.
JERRY
So you got out of politics and practiced law in New York City.
NIXON
The most liberal place in the United States. I’ve always said God created Democrats to make used car salesman look good.
JERRY
Well, Tricky. When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else. Okay. Getting back to the business at hand. You made an unconscious, I mean conscious decision to run for President. Ran against Vice-President Hubert Humphry in 1968 and won.
NIXON
And ran again in 1972. I beat the pants off Senator George McGovern.
JERRY
Right. It’s called cheating. Does Watergate ring a bell?
NIXON
I ended the Vietnam War, started the Environmental Protection Agency, presided over the Apollo 11 moon landing, opened diplomatic relations with China…
JERRY
Hacked the Democratic headquarters at the Watergate complex in D.C. and covered it up.
NIXON
Everyone makes mistakes. I was under medication when I ordered…Err, I mean heard about it.
JERRY
I’ll cut you some slack. My old man said I was a mistake. I hope that was his sense of humor.
NIXON
Probably not. Just sayin.
JERRY
Things got heated. A coverup was discovered and you resigned in 1974 before being impeached.
NIXON
Oh, well. President Gerald Ford pardoned me. Then I got a book deal and made a helluva lot of money.
JERRY
You’ll be remembered as The Lyin King. Just like President Donald Trump.
NIXON
BS! That’s like comparing apples to orange.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
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The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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