Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, like that about the “Friends Reunion,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Friends Reunion draws big numbers on HBO Max with lots of 90’s nostalgia
For black folks looking for that 90’s vibe, Showtime should have done friends reunion special for ‘Living Single!’
Report: Brett Favre hasn’t repaid $600,000 of $1.1 million from Mississippi welfare fund
Maybe he threw it to them, it got picked off, and run back for a touchdown.
“Normal tourist visit:” Some Republicans downplay January 6 riot amid Democratic objections
C’mon, if the January 6 attack was a tourist visit … then the Donner Party was just a normal family reunion picnic.
Brad Pitt got joint custody of his kids with Angelina Jolie in a tentative ruling
…. betting tentative on his being able to tell the names of each kid without them wearing name tags.
Humpback whales have bred prolifically since people stopped butchering them. They may now be as numerous as they were before commercial whaling
Guess that explains the ‘hump’ part.
Caitlyn Jenner’s 2020 election story keeps getting worse
… anymore backpedaling and Peloton’s going to have to invent a special bike just for her.
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly steal the spotlight at Billboard Music Awards with barely-there dress
So, what was Megan wearing?
Roger Stone in big legal trouble
On the upside, thanks to Stone’s back tattoo of Richard Nixon, Nixon may finally be going to prison.
Kim Kardashian questions becoming a lawyer after revealing she didn’t pass ‘baby bar’
… She really doesn’t have a life, she has “Continued Next Weeks …”
Andrew Giuliani to run for New York Governor against Cuomo
Look for Rudy to plan that first rally in the parking lot of a Governor’s Restaurant and Bakery.
Kevin Spacey set to return to screens after sex abuse allegations
Mostly to be followed by other moviegoers screaming, ‘Sit down! Dude, you’re blocking the screen!’
Republicans in Senate vote to block creation of January 6th commission 35-54
In related news, the Kansas City Chiefs will be holding a victory parade for their Super Bowl victory over Tampa Bay 9-31.
Happy 46th Birthday Andre 3000
… a little bit older and he’ll be going by Andre MMM.
Florida Republicans are lining up to grab Matt Gaetz’s seat as his legal woes worsen
… given where that seat has been they might want to wear gloves …
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/30/23 - May 30, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/22/23 - May 22, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/15/23 - May 15, 2023