Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Superman being bisexual, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Superman bisexual — DC’s Superman out as bisexual.

DC’s new Superman comes out as bisexual

So being faster than a speeding bullet will now disappoint twice as many people.

Shaquille O’Neal’s ‘Big Chicken’ restaurant is being franchised

Shaq’s gotta stop buying fast food chains in the same way Charlie Sheen shouldn’t be buying pharmacies.

Facebook CEO denied a former employee’s claims — based on Facebook’s own research – that the company puts “profits before people,” saying this was “just not true”

He should’ve announced it on ‘WhatsCrapp.’

Breaking: Microsoft said it would shut down LinkedIn in China

Yeah, but how are Ivanka and Hunter Biden now-going to find work?

Lions coach Dan Campbell in tears after gut-wrenching loss to Vikings

… It’s the Lions, Dude, gut-wrenching is a step-up from their usual “game over at the National Anthem.”

AOC turned thirty

Or, as Chuck Grassley and Diane Feinstein call it the Big III.0.

Jon Gruden resigns after more racist, misogynistic and homophobic emails come out

I guess we can all be glad of one thing, Gruden wasn’t involved in renaming the Browns or Redskins.

Trump shares his thoughts on golden showers in bonkers off-script moment

Turns out Trump’s fav musical isn’t ‘The Music Man’ or ‘Cats’ — it’s ‘The Wiz!’

Netflix suspends trans employee who tweeted about Dave Chappelle special

Hmmm, betting that decision could’ve went both ways.

Trump lawyer John Eastman’s employer argues he didn’t explicitly ask Pence to overturn the election

Hmmm, that should be noose to Pence.

Books on Holocaust should be balanced with ‘opposing’ views, school leader tells teachers

The only opposing view is we didn’t go hard enough on the bastards.

Paul McCartney says it was John Lennon who broke up the Beatles

Does this let Yoko off the hook… or nah?

Feds seized 18 phones and computers from Rudy Giuliani

Rudy’s next rally should be in the parking lot of a Best Buy.

Shatner back from his trip to space

… No word on his luggage …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)