Judge comes up with creative solution for man who fathered 30 children
A 33 year old Knoxville, Tennessee man has asked a judge there to ‘give him a break’ in paying his alimony to 11 women with whom he has fathered 30 children. The oldest child is 14 years old. (This is true.)
Desmond Hatchett, who works a minimum wage job, says life is difficult for him because he pays half of his already miniscule salary to the unmarried women who bore his migrating sperm to fruition. Some women receive the princely sum of $1.49 a month from child support, about enough to pay the washer cost on one load of diapers.
In a televised statement, Desmond himself says that he twice fathered four children in a year, the full depth of this grotesque irresponsibility apparently not having reached his brain yet — though it did pass by real close — as it left his mouth. A number of years ago, when Mr. Hatchett was still not quite the Guiness Book Of World Records Top Gun and only had 21 offspring, he had sworn to the judge that he “would never again have another child,” but apparently didn’t realize that he had to keep out of a woman’s plumbing to achieve this.
Appearing before Judge Ambercrombie Bonebreaker in the Knoxville Court House for his umpteenth time, the kindly judge decided to honor his request — with a provision, that is.
Judge: “Mr. Hatchett, I will gladly give you a break, if you will do exactly what I now tell you to do.”
Mr. Hatchett (visibly coming back to life as he realizes he might find a way to again weasel out of his responsibilities ): “What is that, your Honor?”
Judge: “ You must first strip naked right where you stand.”
Mr. Hatchett (He is at first taken back by this, but then thinks, “What the heck, I spend most of my free time naked anyway, so why not here.”): “OK, your honor.” ( He disrobes.)
Judge: “Now I want you to watch these videos.” (The judge approaches the table that the now nude Mr. Hatchett is standing behind.) The slide show goes on to display nude, posed shots of all the women that Desmond got pregnant.
As he watches, Desmond get a ____
(The Editor must interrupt this vitally important news item to make a minor adjustment to the submission to keep things in this website to at least a PG rating. Rather than use the wording that the so-called ‘writer’ of this piece used, I will make it more digestible with more politically correct descriptions that will pass the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval that we so desperately need to keep ourselves in the good graces of the mass market. The substituted phrases will be coded in such a fashion as to allow the more mature and experienced reader to know what the deviate meant in the first place. Thank you.)
Protuberally Engorged Noodle Instantly Supersized. The judge immediately strides up and smashes his gavel down, breaking the Previously Enclosed Nubile Instrument of Sleaziness, breaking it in half. Mr. Hatchett screams in pain, asking why the judged wanged his Pornography Enhanced Neurologically Impregnating Screwdriver.
The judge replied casually “I have brought forth an answer to the situation that solves it for everyone concerned by whacking your Predominate Engine for Nurturing Irresponsible Sex. You asked for a break and you got it!” Desmond replied, “I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT SORT OF A BREAK!!! God, your Honor! My Party Equipment Naturally Impregnating Suckers is my only form of entertainment! You want me to give that up?”
The judge snorted back “ It is either that, or having your Persistently Engorged Now Inhibited Salami totally removed!”
Mr. Hatchett finally got the message and he and his Perpendicularly Enhanced Now Increasingly Swollen thing left the court room.
“If you had whacked it yourself in the first place you wouldn’t be here now!” the judge called after him.
Speaking to this website after Mr. Hatchett was gone, Judge Bonebreaker mentioned that “the only real answer is to make his love tool a Permanently Eunuchisized Nub of Impotent Size.”
Meanwhile, welfare abuse activists are planning on stretching a condom over Mr. Hatchett’s head and letting him suffocate until he gets the idea.