[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Dick Cheney Proposes ‘Duels, Not Debates,’ Wows NRA

Just when you thought Dick Cheney couldn’t top himself for thinking way out of the box, he comes up with another great idea, at least in the eyes of the NRA.

dick cheney duel
Official Dueling Pistols of the 2012 Presidential Elections

On a weekend news show, the former vice-president announced his latest plan to make the 2012 presidential campaign something to write home about.

“It’s called ‘Duels not Debates,’” said Cheney, “and basically it is exactly what it sounds like. Let’s get Mitt and Barack out there someplace, preferably a western location, and have ourselves an old-fashioned duel.”

Cheney poo-poohed the idea that a duel was a bit too dangerous, possibly ending in disaster for at least one of the candidates.

“Really? What about Andrew Jackson? He participated in a duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 and ended up becoming the only President to kill a man in a duel. Oh wait, bad example,” he said with a wry smile. “Let me give you a better example.”

Dick Cheney then went on to cite other instances where duels solved political arguments without either party suffering serious injury. He claims that while dueling is an extreme form of settling issues, it is quite an effective method of spurring on agreement quicker than any debate can.

“Ask any real American what he would prefer, and I can guarantee, hands down, he’ll choose a duel over a debate any day,” said Cheney, who bases his opinion on an informal poll he took at a recent gun show in Roanoke, Virginia. He claims the men he asked gave an overwhelmingly “thumbs-up” sign to the duel.

“Back in the days when men were men, duels were the preferred method of settling political debates, so why shouldn’t we at least consider this as an option in this year’s election?”

“Uh, because someone might get killed?” asked the interviewer.

“Look,” replied Cheney, “You give me and Ted Nugent just one weekend alone in the woods with Mitt Romney, and I guarantee we’ll have us a Presidential winner, and all Obama will lose is maybe a bit of pride.”

P. Beckert