Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Kim Kardashian’s vacation destination, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kim Kardashian reportedly changed vacation destination because Kanye West planned to show up

Careful, Kim, Kanye is a master of disguise.

Mike Pence’s staff is giving up the goods to the Jan. 6 Committee

Oh, to be a fly on someone’s head during those depositions.

The Doomsday Clock has been set to 100 seconds

130 for Keith Richards….

‘My guess is he will move in’: Biden predicts Russia will invade Ukraine in two-hour news conference

Causing Jill Biden to be happy he wasn’t talking about the White House and Hunter Biden.

NYC – police arresting people in Olive Garden for trying to eat a meal without a vaccine passport

Damn, I thought New Jersey was the ‘Olive Garden State.’

Louie Anderson, Meat Loaf die on the same day

Word is, Louie died when he heard there was no more Meatloaf. RIP.

In Greece, unvaccinated people ages 60 and up now face monthly fines

… so, basically the cast parties for ‘Mama Mia 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.’

Steve Harvey reacts to steamy pic of daughter Lori with Michael B. Jordan: I’m ‘Very Uncomfortable’

On the plus side for Steve, that was the number 1 answer!

Chiefs’ Willie Gay arrested after allegedly breaking vacuum in argument w/ woman

No word if he’ll be suspended for being Anti-vacs.

Pete Davidson says he isn’t hosting Oscars

This year he’s more focused on Golden Globes.

Novak Djokovic lied on his Aussie paperwork

… if that’s even his real name!

Newly minted Maya Angelou quarters begin rolling out

Nice that Maya Angelou is on her own quarter, but Black women will still need four of them to make 63 cents in pay.

90 Day Fiancé star who made £38,000 a week selling farts in a jar

Well, that’s one way of taking advantage of the high price of gas.

Glen Beck says he’s taking Ivermectin for second COVID bout

… So, he’s gone from foot in mouth to hoof in mouth …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)