Needed: Super-Heroes for the Rest of Us

Just when you think the entertainment world has enough mutants, gods and playboy scientists, you realize there’s room —nay, a terrible demand — for MORE super-heroes.

CBS News recently carried a heartwarming story about Anthony Smith, a four-year-old boy with the genetic disorder mosaic trisomy 22. Anthony is forced to wear a prominent blue hearing aid the family has dubbed “Blue Ear.”

Anthony eventually refused to wear Blue Ear, on the grounds that “super-heroes don’t wear hearing aids.” His distraught mother wrote to Marvel Comics and begged for help. The public-spirited crew collaborated on creating a listening-device-enhanced role model named Blue Ear. Now Anthony wears his hearing aid proudly.

That got me thinking about the implications for mankind if we could commission Marvel Comics, DC Comics and the other publishers to craft not just generically motivational heroes but heroes designed to inspire us in specific situations. If heroes could challenge key individuals to develop a BACKBONE…

Take for instance The Doorman. His power is to act upon the concerns of the Little Man, while simultaneously showing lobbyists, consultants and Super PACs THE DOOR. His one “weakness” is a mischievous propensity to use his telekinetic abilities to make SURE the door hits them on the way out. (“In brightest day, in blackest night…your fistfuls of dollars have sparked a fight!”)

Looking for a hero who can overcome stereotypical male behavior brought about by hormonal urges and years of locker room conditioning? Let’s hear it for Hey-Eyes-Up-Here Man! (“Really? You get a lot of questions about your job as a stripper? I guess there’s no accounting for taste. I just want to pick your brain about math and science…”) His sidekick, Digit Master, resists producing flatulence no matter how his fingers are pulled, twisted or tortured.

If you have a low fluff threshold, you’ll want someone to create the ‘Nuff Said Knight. In his secret identity as a crusading TV news editor, he always tries to maintain balance by insisting on AT LEAST one straight economics story for each three breathless “The Declining Russian Ruble: What Does It Mean For The Kardashians?” story.

The Mea Culpanator: there’s a name to strike fear into the hearts of slipshod law enforcers everywhere. He’s a masked vigilante AND a high-powered district attorney who isn’t afraid to make amends when yet another suspect he railroaded into prison is exonerated. (“I’m really sorry, Javier. I’ll try to make it up to you. How about free lifetime DNA testing — and a front row seat at my next campaign fundraiser? Aw, c’mon, don’t be that way! In all fairness, you had that whole ‘shifty eyes’ thing goin’ for you.”)

How about the Fast Food Fury, a restaurateur who gains a new sense of responsibility after being bitten by a radioactive health inspector? (“Climb aboard, Johnny, and I’ll give you an aerial view of the mall. Up…up…a weight! A terrible weight! What have your parents been feeding you??? I want to talk to them before your kiddie prize is a treadmill test…”)

Got your own “truth and justice” ideas for relevant super-heroes? Email them to me at [email protected].

It’ll be good to hear things more timely than “POW!,” “SOCK!” and “OOF!”

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m evolving.”

Or not. *Sigh*

Danny Tyree
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