Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the oldest Senators in Congress, California’s Dianne Feinstein and Iowa’s Chuck Grassley.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are California Senator Dianne Feinstein and Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. The oldest Senators in Congress.
JERRY
Good morning, Senators.
DIANNE FEINSTEIN
Hello.
CHUCK GRASSLEY
Make America Great Again!
FEINSTEIN
We will by voting you out of office. You old coot.
GRASSLEY
You’re no spring chicken. 89 years old and senile.
FEINSTEIN
Senile? Only one incident, fella. It was this morning when I forgot to put on my watch. Thank goodness my husband reminded me I haven’t worn it for five years.
GRASSLEY
Question. What’s a watch?
JERRY
Chuckster. You’re 89 years old. Don’t you think there should be term limits in Congress?
GRASSLEY
Not as long as I can obstruct justice and give corporations tax breaks at the expense of the middle class.
JERRY
Why don’t you hang it up and try something new? Go back to Iowa. I hear they have a shortage of scarecrows.
FEINSTEIN
I don’t have to worry, Jerry. When I retire, I have a part time greeter job at Costco. I know the routine. “Can I see your membership card? Thank you. Depends are in pharmacy.”
GRASSLEY
Don’t knock Depends. I wear them for two reasons. Number one and number two.
JERRY
Hey, Senator Feinstein. Why aren’t there any Costco stores in Afghanistan?
FEINSTEIN
No clue.
JERRY
Because they are all Targets.
JERRY
Senator Feinstein. You were adamant about not confirming Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, because of the accusations by Christine Blasey Ford that he sexually assaulted her in the 80’s.
FEINSTEIN
Kavanaugh lied. He’s a sexist like Grassley who once said, “No woman has served on the Senate Judiciary Committee, because the workload is heavy.”
GRASSLEY
A woman’s place is in the kitchen, not politics.
FEINSTEIN
For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, that’s where the knives are kept. Watch your back.
JERRY
Senator Feinstein. You have a long list of accomplishments. In 1978, you were the Mayor of San Francisco. Became the first Senator from California in 1993. The ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee from 2017-21.
FEINSTEIN
(sarcastic) Crusty can’t top that.
GRASSLEY
Roses are red,
Violes are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
This one doesn’t.
JERRY
Here’s one that rhymes, Gramps.
JERRY
Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
Onions stink.
And so do you.
GRASSLEY
Respect your elders. I would ask how old you are, but you can’t count that high.
JERRY
You’re so old, your teeth don’t sleep in the same room.
FEINSTEIN
Jerry. Grassley’s known for a few things in the Senate. He’s fought for the rich and powerful. Helped the insurance industry and pharmaceutical companies. Voted against the Affordable Care Act.
GRASSLEY
I’m Scrooge, not Mister Rogers.
JERRY
You two are both up for re-election in 2022. Are you going to run?
GRASSLEY
Of course. I got a lot more to do. Rich folks need me.
FEINSTEIN
Count me in. I need to keep fighting for the poor and middle class.
JERRY
You two are like night and day. Do you know the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
GRASSLEY
No.
FEINSTEIN
Not really.
JERRY
Snowballs.
JERRY
The oldest Senators in Congress, Feinstein and Grassley everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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