The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Oldest Senators in Congress

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the oldest Senators in Congress, California’s Dianne Feinstein and Iowa’s Chuck Grassley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are California Senator Dianne Feinstein and Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. The oldest Senators in Congress.

oldest Senators, Dianne Feinstein, by DonkeyHotey
One of the oldest Senators in Congress, Dianne Feinstein. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Senators.

DIANNE FEINSTEIN

Hello.

CHUCK GRASSLEY

Make America Great Again!

FEINSTEIN

We will by voting you out of office. You old coot.

GRASSLEY

You’re no spring chicken. 89 years old and senile.

FEINSTEIN

Senile? Only one incident, fella. It was this morning when I forgot to put on my watch. Thank goodness my husband reminded me I haven’t worn it for five years.

GRASSLEY

Question. What’s a watch?

JERRY

Chuckster. You’re 89 years old. Don’t you think there should be term limits in Congress?

GRASSLEY

Not as long as I can obstruct justice and give corporations tax breaks at the expense of the middle class.

JERRY

Why don’t you hang it up and try something new? Go back to Iowa. I hear they have a shortage of scarecrows.

FEINSTEIN

I don’t have to worry, Jerry. When I retire, I have a part time greeter job at Costco. I know the routine. “Can I see your membership card? Thank you. Depends are in pharmacy.”

GRASSLEY

Don’t knock Depends. I wear them for two reasons. Number one and number two.

JERRY

Hey, Senator Feinstein. Why aren’t there any Costco stores in Afghanistan?

FEINSTEIN

No clue.

JERRY

Because they are all Targets.

JERRY

Senator Feinstein. You were adamant about not confirming Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, because of the accusations by Christine Blasey Ford that he sexually assaulted her in the 80’s.

FEINSTEIN

Kavanaugh lied. He’s a sexist like Grassley who once said, “No woman has served on the Senate Judiciary Committee, because the workload is heavy.”

GRASSLEY

A woman’s place is in the kitchen, not politics.

FEINSTEIN

For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, that’s where the knives are kept. Watch your back.

JERRY

Senator Feinstein. You have a long list of accomplishments. In 1978, you were the Mayor of San Francisco. Became the first Senator from California in 1993. The ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee from 2017-21.

FEINSTEIN

(sarcastic) Crusty can’t top that.

GRASSLEY

Roses are red,
Violes are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
This one doesn’t.

JERRY

Here’s one that rhymes, Gramps.

JERRY

Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
Onions stink.
And so do you.

GRASSLEY

Respect your elders. I would ask how old you are, but you can’t count that high.

JERRY

You’re so old, your teeth don’t sleep in the same room.

FEINSTEIN

Jerry. Grassley’s known for a few things in the Senate. He’s fought for the rich and powerful. Helped the insurance industry and pharmaceutical companies. Voted against the Affordable Care Act.

GRASSLEY

I’m Scrooge, not Mister Rogers.

JERRY

You two are both up for re-election in 2022. Are you going to run?

GRASSLEY

Of course. I got a lot more to do. Rich folks need me.

FEINSTEIN

Count me in. I need to keep fighting for the poor and middle class.

JERRY

You two are like night and day. Do you know the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

GRASSLEY

No.

FEINSTEIN

Not really.

JERRY

Snowballs.

JERRY

The oldest Senators in Congress, Feinstein and Grassley everyone.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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