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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Jesus Announces Run in 2012 Election, Conservatives Have a Conniption

Aug 272012
 By , August 27, 2012

Jesus Christ Himself has announced His candidacy for the President of the United States in 2012

Rather than commencing with the long awaited Second Coming, the Big Three (Father, Son Jesus and Holy Ghost) have changed game plans and decided that the political path was a better way to reach modern man.

Jesus at convention, HorseyFollowing Obama’s success of accomplishing the seemingly impossible by getting a black man nominated to the world’s largest alleged democracy, the Holy Ones thought they could pull off a miracle and get a proven, ethical man nominated as well.

At first, Republicans greeted the newcomer with open arms as one of their own, thinking He would be aligned with their ways. However, once it became obvious that Christ was in support of such ‘socialist’ activities as free healing of illness, control of money-lending institutions (including casting money lenders out of the temple), taking a passive stance with enemies, understanding and forgiving sinners, supporting gun control and other ‘un-American’ leanings, they changed their minds.

Now, as a solid block, they have begun a pogrom of character assassination on their former Savior. Ignoring their centuries-long support of Jesus, they now paint Him as a weak individual who is soft on crime, is against war, and who does not love America and is dragging it down. FOX News has taken the lead on this, with all the pundits taking turns defaming their former Lord and giving Him the Judas kiss.

Such statements as these were forthcoming:

Bill O’Reilly: “Look who this Jesus hung out with back in Israel — prostitutes for god’s sake! And simple fisherman. Will he be bringing his buddies into the Cabinet with him? What sort of a government will we have then? A loser convention? Of course that would fit in well with the Democrats. He also seemed to be a little too much into wine, if you ask me.”

Karl Rove: “The Nazarene has no political depth at all. He would be perfectly happy forgiving every criminal in America and trying to straighten them out. This would cost oodles more money than just electrocuting the bums.”

Ann Coulter: “This guy has Liberal written all over him. Just look at his hair and clothing! Do we want this man representing America? He looks like an Indian fakir!”

Rush Limbaugh: “There is no way this man is fit to run a country! He might be good at making high and mighty speeches, but you didn’t see him getting tough with the Romans, did you? When the subject of taxes came up what did he say? ‘Render unto Rome that which is Rome’s.’ There would surely be no room for him in the Republican party with that attitude.”

Dick Cheney smirked snidely, “This wimp Jesus thinks we should turn the other cheek with the terrorists? What sort of a son of a vengeful God is that?”

Michael Savage: “Jesus! I can see why people say ‘Jesus’ all the time. I imagine the Jews and the Romans were saying ‘Jesus!’ a lot when he was around. Seems like a slacker to me. Hanging out with the boys and bumming around the countryside.”

Sean Hannity: “Someone like this as President would be disastrous. If he goes around chasing money lenders out of the temples, he’s probably a communist. Who’s to say he won’t start chasing the capitalists out of the banks as well?”

The tirade kept up for days until Jesus cast their souls into swine, and they ran off a cliff and died. Then the world was very peaceful — for a while.

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

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  • PBeckert

    You really nailed this one (no pun intended) Freed. Nice job.