[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Karl Rove insists his Fox News rant has been vindicated
President Obama, elated after his reelection Tuesday night, said today that Karl Rove was right when he said the president had “succeeded by suppressing the vote.”
“Listen,” Obama said. “I’ve been fighting for civil rights for a long time now and frankly, I just got sick of it. That’s why I demanded that polling places all over the country ask old white male voters for their birth certificates and have it explained to them that Romney is the devil.”
Rove, whose baby man face turned bright red upon hearing the president’s response said, “I knew it! I knew it! And Obama didn’t win Ohio either. I didn’t mean it when I said ‘succeeded.’ I meant almost succeeded! Almost!”
He also said Obama tried to borrow some of the $300 million that Rove had planned on using for negative TV ads on Saturday mornings.
“That’s when the normal, straight, old white men in the country are watching cartoons with their grandkids,” Karl Rove said. “Davy and Goliath are still on, right?”
“Obama called me six weeks ago and said, ‘Please, Karl, lend me a few million so I can further denigrate your candidate.’ And even though I only had $250 million left, I said, ‘sure.’ ”
When asked about the alleged loan, Obama said, “Sure, I took all his money. And I love the KKK and my mother was black.”
He also said that now that he’d been reelected he could be as sarcastic as he bloody well wants to.
Rove reiterated his belief that the president had not really been reelected.
“There’s still one white male in Hamilton County, Ohio, who couldn’t find his birth certificate,” he said. “I’m going to find him and bring him to the attention of the Supreme Court.”
Later, while eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, he said, “I have a great future with the Republican Party. These are low-fat, right?”
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