[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Former candidate Romney can’t be reached; friends worry
Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com
One week ago today, Americans headed off to the polls to pick which presidential candidate would hold the White House for the next four years… and they didn’t pick Mitt Romney. So this reporter decided to follow up with the former governor of Massachusetts, to see what he’s been up to and how he’s been feeling one week later.
There’s just one little problem: Mitt Romney can’t be reached. His voice mail is full, he isn’t returning our text messages or emails, and when we tried to visit seven of his homes, he either wasn’t at any of them, or wasn’t answering the door. So instead, we decided to chat with some of Romney’s friends and family to find out how the former GOP nominee has been faring since the last time anyone has heard from him publicly, at his concession speech.
“I saw [Romney] on Thursday. It was pretty depressing,” said Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter, who hosted Romney fundraisers in his home during the campaign. “He ordered a pizza, so I personally delivered it to him. He hadn’t shaved in days, he’d already put on fifteen pounds, he was wearing pajamas with one sock half-off, and his hair was greasier than the pizza I was delivering. It was a really sad sight.”
“As soon as I delivered the pizza, he tried to fire me,” Schnatter continued. “I told Mitt `hey, I’m your friend, I don’t work for you,’ but he just told me that he doesn’t have any friends, and insisted that I was fired. We haven’t talked since then. I really hope he gets through this.”
Romney’s son Tagg saw his father more recently. “I was with my dad on Sunday night. He was totally shitfaced, drinking something called `O’Doul’s,’ some sort of… some sort of… [fighting back tears] beer! We’re Mormons, we aren’t allowed to drink beer! But he had emptied one bottle and was started in on his second, and was completely, utterly drunk. He told me I was adopted from the GEICO cavemen, and then blamed me for his loss on election night, saying I didn’t buy enough voting machines to make a difference. I love my father, I played my part in rigging the election for him, but it wasn’t good enough. It’s NEVER good enough. I don’t know that he’ll ever love me back.”
But while his son and his friend have had limited interactions with Romney this past week, one man says he’s getting a bit fed up with Romney’s near-constant phone calls. William Worthington Bain, Jr, the namesake and co-founder of Bain Capital who worked with Mitt Romney to create the infamous vulture capitalism company, says that Romney has called him “at least two or three times a day” since election night… and he’s thinking about blocking Romney’s phone number until the former business executive “cools off a little.”
“Mitt has called me so much that I’m thinking about getting a twelfth cell phone just to handle his calls,” Bain told PTP. “He keeps calling and demanding I fire more people, especially the Obama supporters on our payroll and in the companies we buy, gut, and sell for a profit. We did as he asked for the first two days, but at this point we’re just lying and telling him we’re firing people. If we had kept up with his demands, we’d have fired the entire Pacific Northwest and half of southern California, and we’d have shut down nearly 8,500 American factories. That’s well outside of our scope. I hope Ann [Romney, his wife] finds a way to get through to him. I think we’re all starting to fear for the worst!”
This article is from our friends over at PardonThePundit.com.
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