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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Most Churches Not Looking Forward to Rapture

Dec 222012
 
 By , December 22, 2012

The Rapture could adversely affect churches’ budgets, say pastors

A recent survey of religious leaders from hundreds of Christian churches across the nation indicates a startling fact…they are not really looking forward to the Rapture. For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 150 or so years, the Rapture is to occur during the second coming of Christ when true believers are swept up to escape the tribulation, or something like that.

Churches Not Looking Forward to Rapture

You can’t take it with you.

Anyway, who knew that some Christian leaders are not so keen on the idea of a rapture of their congregations?

“We were looking forward to donations from these folks for at least a few more years,” said Father James David of the Apostolic Christian Christ’s Holy Christian Temple in Farnsmore, Indiana.

“We’ve been counting on renovating the Church basement since last spring when the sump pump went out and de-lectrified all our appliances and left a gaping hole in the middle of the dining hall.”

Other pastors who completed the survey had similar tales of woe. “You can’t do God’s work if God’s taking the money to heaven,” claimed one particularly distraught minister from Minnesota who admits the time just seemed to get away from him and he hadn’t realized the end times were upon us.

“Not to worry,” says one Biblical scholar who has been studying the Bible for years.

“While we don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet, it would appear that the ‘rapture’ as it is being taught today is merely a made-up event to keep us Christians on the straight and narrow.”

This scholar warns us against false prophesies and assures everyone that the chances of a parishioner getting hit by a bus or dying of a heart attack are far more likely than them being swept up by Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior.

According to his research, the word rapture doesn’t even appear in the King James version of the Bible and in fact, the doctrine of the rapture may have first been propagated by an English Presbyterian preacher named Edward Irving in the 1830’s.

One Baptist minister from Oklahoma, however, claims he has no problems whatsoever with the rapture, as he has already planned ahead one way or the other.

“I ain’t taking no chances. I’ve got all my parishioners’ promises in writing to leave everything they own to the Church before they go to the great beyond.” Which begs the question…if the pastor believes in the rapture, and more importantly, if he’s swept up to heaven with Jesus, who’ll be left to spend it?

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P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once-brilliant nation. If you like her posts, become a follower and leave a comment. And don't forget to share on Facebook, Twitter and other social accounts! Syndicated from her I Said Laugh, Dammit blog.

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