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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

The Most Horrific Haunted House of All Time: PMDD House

Oct 252013
 By , October 25, 2013

‘House of Women with PMDD’ hands down scariest haunted house

A new haunted house has been set up in Boulder Colorado that seems set to rank as the most frightening of all time — the House Of Women With PMDD.

pmdd haunted houseHalloween spook houses are all the rage here on the Front Range of Colorado, which, when coupled with the anything goes attitude of the creative participants makes for some truly macabre, gruesome and horrific spectacles.

One houses theme is Chain Saw Massacre complete with splattered blood and limbs everywhere and gut wrenching screaming. Another embraces the current zombie craze with flesh lusting undeads wandering about seeking entrance price paying visitors for a smack. One of the more effective ones is the Honey Boo-Boo Haunted House where visitors must be able to run through the entire dilapidated house before being grabbed by one of Boo-Boos relatives and gummed to death or worse.

The trophy winner for most blood-curdling of all, though, is the House Of Women With PMDD. PMDD stands for Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, a premenstrual cycle even more excruciating than PMS for the woman and also for any unfortunate that dares cross her path while she has it. Of any of the haunted Houses researched for this article, the most pee-inducing shrieks, the most curdling depraved laughter, the most debased chortles, the most agony drenched pleas for mercy came from this building.

The author, knowing his low threshold for pain and his innate cowardice when facing females in their most Kali influenced time of the month, rather than do personal research therein, instead merely observed from outside how the so called ‘amusement’ fared. It was by far the loudest part of the carnival, the eerie animalistic cries that came from it usually topping well over 100 decibels.

In fact, it was all a bit too real. A major glitch in their show was that none of the people buying tickets and entering ever came back out again. Enough partner-less attendees had finally collected outside waiting for their mates/family/parents/fiances, etc to come out that the police were finally coaxed to check into the matter.

The police, being smart in the ways of self survival and familiar with the reputation of dealing with women having PMDD sent in a SWAT team who, upon entering, also did not come back out. Between their going in and their not leaving a lot there were a lot more shrill screaming and ear shattering cries of pain, all strangely masculine.

At this point the author left speedily when it was announced that a backup of drones was being sent in to aid what, if any, of the SWAT team was left.

IN RELATED BREAKING NEWS: Police have finally managed to recover the bodies of the SWAT Team when they were thrown from the Haunted House.They hadn’t had a chance in Hell to survive. Further police assaults upon the House of Women With PMDD will wait until they are over their monthly cycle and hopefully can be dealt with in a more rational way.

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from Lulu.com. A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

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  • Sophy

    This is a really insulting article. I have this illness and it kills me each month. I am not a crazy bitch, I am a woman whose life is severely disrupted by hormone change. During my luteal phase I spend days in a hormone-induced fatigue not able to think or process information. I can’t even cook food for myself because moving causes too much pain. I break out in a rash and my eyes sting and water. Despite being highly qualified and above average intelligence, I can’t hold down a job because of prolonged sickness. Yes, I lose my temper, but wouldn’t ANYONE if they had to pretend they were OK when they really weren’t. When is the world going to grow up and start treating people with dignity?

  • Roger Freed

    This was not meant to insult or disparage anyone individually. No one should have taken it as a personal insult. Often situations are lightened when they can be looked at from a distance and with detachment. Being a man I will never know personally the difficulties that go with this sort of a female physical difficulty, but having had kidney stones, which are no joy either, I have been able to talk to others who have had them and relate, sometimes even with a streak of humor in it.
    If the only reason for writing humor would be to put people down, I would not do it. I find humor makes a dark world a little lighter. It is a drug less medicine that eases the pain and, when properly applied, can even heal.

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