[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
This past holiday season, oil companies displayed their Scrooge-like character
Oil companies, some of the wealthiest entities on earth, have somehow a skewered idea of what Christmas is supposed to be about.
They proved this by raising the price of gasoline for the recent holiday week, instead of in the spirit of Christmas lowering it or at least being civil and leaving it at the pre-season rate. But oil companies seemed to embody the spirit of Scrooge instead of the Holy Spirit and always have.
We asked renowned psychologist Styman Smartguy of the Max Weber of the Really Smart People Institute of Studying Really Smart Things what the cause of this was:
“It is a mystery to us as well.” stated Styman. “Most people assume that Christmas is supposed to be the season of sharing and giving, not taking; or in the case of the oil companies, at least not gouging mercilessly.”
“After lengthy studies, we can only surmise that there is some short circuit in the nervous system linking the different sections of the brains of oil executives,” Styman explained. “Somehow the thoughts of giving that are formed in the frontal lobe of the mind are shunted off to the side on the rail links that take it from the front of the brain to the part that connects it to the heart. Instead it gets sidetracked into that black hole of their minds that thinks ‘what more can I get for myself.’”
“This is similar to having a train on a track with a bottomless hole next to the track that slants down and the train topples into it,” he added.
“It is really unfortunate for everyone.” said Styman. “I myself could have used the extra two hundred bucks I spent on gas it cost me to go visit my relatives in Boston this year.”
“Of course, there is the other theory that they are just greedy, sociopathic bastards. You pick.”
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