Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
When ripping the headlines, really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Shia LaBeouf wears paper bag on head to ‘Nymphomaniac’ Berlin premiere
Great, now he’s stealing from the Unknown Comic.
George Zimmerman’s celebrity boxing match has been canceled
Because any ground he’s on most people can’t stand.
Middle-aged men who drink heavily are more likely to experience memory issues
Huh? What kind of men was that again?
U.S. senators urge nominee for Beijing ambassador to be tough on China
They also told a future Ambassador to Greece to go easy on the dishes.
New video surfaces that appears to show incoherent Mayor Rob Ford
News would be a video of a coherent Rob Ford.
Archaeologists found skeletal remains of a couple who have been holding hands for 1,500 years
Or, as Larry King calls them “Mom and Dad.”
Russian Police Choir performs ‘Get Lucky’ at Opening
Or, as they’re also known the “Russian Village People.”
Marijuana refugees face real estate challenges
Yeah, wherever they go the neighborhood goes to pot.
Republican Sen. David Vitter will run for governor of Louisiana in 2015
Bringing needed cash back to Louisiana’s prostitution industry.
Christie’s national poll numbers plummet
Any lower and he’ll qualify for congress.