Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/10/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

When ripping the headlines, really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Shia LaBeouf wears paper bag on head to ‘Nymphomaniac’ Berlin premiere

Great, now he’s stealing from the Unknown Comic.

George Zimmerman’s celebrity boxing match has been canceled

Because any ground he’s on most people can’t stand.

Middle-aged men who drink heavily are more likely to experience memory issues

Huh? What kind of men was that again?

U.S. senators urge nominee for Beijing ambassador to be tough on China

They also told a future Ambassador to Greece to go easy on the dishes.

New video surfaces that appears to show incoherent Mayor Rob Ford

News would be a video of a coherent Rob Ford.

Archaeologists found skeletal remains of a couple who have been holding hands for 1,500 years

Or, as Larry King calls them “Mom and Dad.”

Russian Police Choir performs ‘Get Lucky’ at Opening

Or, as they’re also known the “Russian Village People.”

Marijuana refugees face real estate challenges

Yeah, wherever they go the neighborhood goes to pot.

Republican Sen. David Vitter will run for governor of Louisiana in 2015

Bringing needed cash back to Louisiana’s prostitution industry.

Christie’s national poll numbers plummet

Any lower and he’ll qualify for congress.

For previous “Ripping the Headlines” posts, please check here.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)