[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
After a falling out with his virtual friends, Mike McKenzie is back on Facebook.
Mike McKenzie is just one of millions of Facebook users. Mike enjoys sharing pictures of his cat, his food, and takes quizzes to see what Game of Thrones character he might be. However, the daily hustle and bustle of Facebook got the best of Mike recently when someone disagreed with Mike over one of his Facebook posts.
“All I did was share a meme of Ronald Reagan saying ‘Keep the Change, Obama,’ and all of the sudden I get bombarded with people calling me these cruel names.” Mike said. “I can’t believe it’s the year 2015 and certain people have the audacity to insult someone on the internet.”
The resulting controversy forced Mike to post, “It’s with a heavy heart that I’m taking a break from Facebook. If you have my number, then hit the cell.”
A lot of Mike’s Facebook friends posted encouraging words like “Don’t go!” and “Fuck the haters” and “We’ll miss the funny pictures of your cat.” Unfortunately, those words fell on deaf ears and eyes when Mike deactivated his Facebook account.
In the time Mike was away from Facebook, he experienced loneliness, depression and the need for validation that his real life friends and family just did not have the time to give him. “It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and it was crushing me,” Mike told this writer. “I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but there was no one around to ‘like’ it.”
Mike McKenzie then had a revelation. “It’s MY Facebook, and I can post whatever I want!” he revealed. “If people don’t like it, then they can unfriend, delete, or even block me!”
After 45 minutes, Mike returned to Facebook and posted the status, “My haters are gonna hate this, I AM BACK!” The post immediately got 50 likes within a 5 minute time frame, with congratulatory posts like “Welcome back!” and “We missed you” to “I can’t wait to see more funny pictures of your cat!”
A week after someone forced Mike to deactivate his Facebook account, he lives life one day at a time. “I know not everyone will enjoy what I post, but those who do enjoy my Facebook content, I live to post for them … my fans!” He said. “I had to make some hard life choices on who to de-friend. It wasn’t easy. But, my life is fuller and happier now.”
Mike recently found out he is a lot like Rose from The Golden Girls after he took the Facebook quiz, “Which Golden Girl Are You?”
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