[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Rachel Dolezal: A Case of Intentionally Mistaken Identity
“If it’s okay for Caitlyn Jenner to identify as a woman, why can’t Rachel Dolezal call herself black?” tweeted Pharrell Williams, the musician, producer, entrepreneur and above all, wearer of hideous hats.
According to BBC News, the 37-year-old falsely identified a black man as her father. As the head of the local NAACP chapter in Spokane, Washington, Dolezal, very much a white woman, passed herself off as a black woman for years.
In an interview with CNN, much to the dismay of people around the world, her father, Larry Dolezal, said, “Rachel basically assumed the role of Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder, albeit in a more subtle fashion.”
After discussing the trending of the “#racialmindf*ck” hashtag on Twitter, Mr. Dolezal spoke about Rachel’s love for ‘Black Like Me,’ the nonfiction book by journalist John Howard Griffin. “She was obsessed with the idea of living as a black woman, it’s as simple as that. Only the most ignorant person would make a comparison between a transracial experience and a transgender one. This is what my daughter has done, basically ignoring one glaring fact — skin colour is hereditary.”
“Mr. Dolezal, we have seen Caitlyn Jenner identify as female, so why can’t your daughter call herself black?” asked Anderson Cooper.
“Because she’s not, you idiot,” replied Larry, before adding, “she’s not even close to being black. Yes, she graduated from Howard, a historically black university, but I enjoy shopping at IKEA and listening to ABBA. Does this mean I should label myself Swedish?”
“Forgive my bluntness, but your daughter has been accused of performing a sort of blackface, a Michael Jackson type thing in reverse. Have you anything you would like to say to these people?” asked Cooper.
“Well, the whole blackface concept is stereotypical in nature, but yes, sadly, my daughter has falsely represented a black existence, created a new identity for herself. Rachel needs to stop attempting to pass as black, she must accept who she is. Look at Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, they stopped trying to act like decent people decades ago, and they now accept the fact that they are assholes, 100% assholes.”
Before the interview ended, obviously upset by his daughter’s betrayal, Larry added,”Black privilege is nothing but a lie, while white privilege is a dirty truth. My daughter, as white as an albino covered in flour, posing as a black woman, has managed to achieve fame while fighting on behalf of the people she has deceived. Michael Jackson said ‘it don’t matter if you’re black or white.’ Trying telling that to some American cops, trying telling that to Fox News, trying telling that to people in Baltimore. What a load of utter nonsense, this is nothing but a #racialmindf*ck.”
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