CAC banner ad
WET River Trips
Humor Times subscribe

Bernie Sanders: America’s Next President?

Jun 132015
 
 By , June 13, 2015

Statler and Waldorf imitator Bernie Sanders could … go … all … the … way!

Although he conjures up images of Statler and Waldorf, the grumpy pair of Muppet characters known for heckling the rest of the cast from their balcony seats, Sen. Bernie Sanders is as irrepressible as he is enterprising.

bernie sandersOften referred to as the Pied Piper of Vermont, Sanders has emerged as a formidable candidate. Of all the Democratic primary challengers, he poses the biggest threat to Hillary Clinton. After telling his supporters donations were required for the “Bernie journey” to continue, admirably, many responded, opening their wallets and delivering well over $6 million in small donations.

Commenting on Sanders, Gloria Borger, CNN’s chief political analyst, had this to say: “Clinton’s lead in the polls is, let’s be honest, unassailable. Hillary’s fundraising machine is an impregnable reconnaissance vehicle. Bernie is behind the wheel of a Mini Cooper. She is going to steamroll him, and nobody likes to see an old man get pasted.”

Summing up, Borger added, “Any suggestion that Sanders can actually challenge Clinton is laughable. Does America really want a president with a weak bladder, a man who needs to take naps during the day? Oh sorry, Mr. Putin, President Sanders is in bed. Yes, I know it’s 2pm, but this is daily routine, you will have to call back in an hour. Unfortunately for Bernie, sooner or later, he will have no option but to surrender. The mighty Clinton machine cannot be stopped.”

CBS’ Scott Pelley, America’s most-liked news anchor, had a different view, “Let’s not forget 2007. Although Clinton had an impressive lead in the national polls, she was defeated by Barack Obama in the Iowa caucuses, and this was the moment when the Titanic hit the iceberg. There is probably a smart analogy to be made between Sanders and an iceberg, but I am not witty enough to even attempt such a feat.”

On the other hand, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, America’s least-liked news anchor, believes that Sanders wants to implement a “Soviet-style economic system.” The naysayers are quick to mention Bernie’s age, and Matthews was no different. “He is 73 years old. I don’t have anything further to add. He’s old, that’s all I am saying.”

George Stephanopoulos, a mix between Donny Osmond and George Lopez, was quick to defend Sanders, “Reagan was 69 when was elected and that crazy bastard left office just before his 78th birthday. John McCain, another crazy bastard, was 72 when he accepted the Republican nomination back in 2008. Age is such a weak argument. Bernie’s speeches are full of energy, he reminds me of Hitler rallying the troops, albeit in a less sadistic manner.”

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar

John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.