Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Wasilla Waiter

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a waiter at the Wasilla Moose Room.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Justin Tooter, a waiter at the Wasilla Moose Room.

JERRY

Hello Justin.

JUSTIN TOOTER

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

How’s business?

JUSTIN

Pret near at full capacity every night.

JERRY

Wow. You must be making good tips.

JUSTIN

Yep. Speakin of tips, there was a Rabbi at my table last week who went crazy. He was runnin around circumcising all kinds of lettuce. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

JERRY

Always wondered. What are the qualifications to be a waiter?

JUSTIN

Don’t need none. Just a weak mind and a strong back.

JERRY

Can a waiter be handicapped?

JUSTIN

Oh, ya. No discrimination in our trade. People with one leg can work at the IHOP.

JERRY

You were Waiter of the Year in Alaska.

JUSTIN

You betcha.

JERRY

What’s your secret?

JUSTIN

Good customer service. The other day, I offered a customer a box for his leftovers. He said, “I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.” Always there to help.

JERRY

Do you have a dumb waiter at work?

JUSTIN

My boss said we’re all dumb waiters. Except them college kids.

JERRY

Those overachievers think they’re smart. Do you know what you call a college grad with a bottle of champagne?

JUSTIN

Got me.

JERRY

A waiter.

JUSTIN

Hey. Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job, but at least we put food on the table.

The conversation is interrupted by Maggie Duncan calling from heaven.

JERRY

Excuse me, it’s my mother.

JERRY

Is there a problem?

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Stop the interview. Justin Tooter was fired weeks ago. He was bad mouthing the Wasilla Moose Room.

JERRY

Is it true, Justin?

JUSTIN

I confess. I told my customers that we were overpriced. And our food was really roadkill from Glenn highway. The boss man kicked me in the butt on the way out the door.

JERRY

Ouch.

JUSTIN

It’s okay though. The Roadkill Cafe offered me a waiter job. I start next week.

MAGGIE

I remember that place. The food is shit, Jerry. Shit. They serve reindeer dung in a Ceasar salad. Who ever heard of such a thing?

JUSTIN

The house specialty, mam. And homemade cake.

MAGGIE

What kind of cake?

JUSTIN

A stomach cake.

MAGGIE

Up here in heaven, we have a popular restaurant on the moon called Looney Moons.

JERRY

Looks like you got competition, Justin.

JUSTIN

I’m used to it. Entered the weather contest here in Wasilla when I was a kid. I beat the raining champ. Game on.

JERRY

Justin Tooter everyone.

MAGGIE

What kind of person has the last name Tooter?

JERRY

A family that eats lots of baked beans.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.