Interview Iowa Republican Senator - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley.

JERRY

Good morning, Senator Grassley.

IOWA REPUBLICAN SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY

Bah humbug! I can’t find my ticker meds.

JERRY

It doesn’t matter. You don’t have a heart.

GRASSLEY

That’s right. Thanks for the reminder.

JERRY

I hear that you’re upset, because the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago for classified documents. Chuckster, those documents belong to the American people and they need to be secured in DC.

GRASSLEY

What’s the big deal? Only Putin and Xi read them.

JERRY

Huh?

GRASSLEY

Just pulling your leg, Duncan. I’m 89-years-old and get my jollies screaming at Democrats.

JERRY

I understand you were raised on a farm.

GRASSLEY

And proud of it.

JERRY

Do you know why the scarecrow won a Nobel Prize?

GRASSLEY

Don’t be ridiculous.

JERRY

Because he was outstanding in his field.

GRASSLEY

Enough with the farm joke. Let’s talk about my humble beginnings. I worked on an assembly line so I could pay for college.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I need to play my violin while you tell your story.

GRASSLEY

Everything was fine except the day I was replaced by a robot.

JERRY

Why you?

GRASSLEY

I had just loaded a 50 pound box of nails and it fell off the conveyer belt on my supervisor’s foot. He lost a big toe.

JERRY

I don’t see a problem. He still had nine toes left.

GRASSLEY

That’s what I told him. 90% of something is better than nothing. Go figure.

JERRY

You were elected to the Senate in 1980 when Ronald Reagan became president. As a fellow Republican, in 1987 you accused him of being “asleep at the switch” and terribly lucky for 7 years in economics and foreign policy.

GRASSLEY

Looking back. Maybe I was jealous, because Reagan was good looking and smiled a lot. It’s not in my DNA. I’m Scrooge, not Mister Rogers.

JERRY

You’re more of a Trumpster.

GRASSLEY

Yep. I would vote for Trump again. I admire strongmen.

JERRY

You’re delusional and in denial about the January 6 insurrection on our Capitol.

GRASSLEY

I am not. Didn’t have an erection on January 6. Haven’t had one since 1993.

JERRY

What about Roe v. Wade? Don’t you have compassion for women who want to control their own bodies?

GRASSLEY

Nope. I want more homeless babies. The angrier they are growing up in foster care, the more the Republican party can expand its base.

JERRY

Democrats control both houses of Congress. Trump may get indicted by the Feds. Things aren’t looking good for your side.

GRASSLEY

The Dems are going to lose the House and Senate in the midterms. Indictment is just a word on a piece of paper. If you think the January 6 Committee hearings are a circus, you ain’t seen nothing yet. We’re going to arrest Democrats for no reason when we take over the government. It’s called nationalism.

JERRY

Einstein said, “Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind.”

GRASSLEY

Well. He never had gonorrhea.

The phone rings.

JERRY

Hello? Yes he is. Let me put you on speaker.

JERRY

For you, Senator.

GRASSLEY

(puzzled)

Yes?

CHRISTOPHER WRAY

It’s FBI director Christopher Wray.

GRASSLEY

What can I do for you, sir?

WRAY

I want you to pack clean pairs of underwear and socks. You’ll be going away for awhile.

GRASSLEY

What’s this all about?

WRAY

You’re under arrest.

GRASSLEY

What for?

WRAY

We read through the 11 sets of classified documents taken from Mar-a-Lago. You hid 10,000 stolen packages of Depends in a silo outside of Davenport, Iowa.

GRASSLEY

I can explain. It was an innocent mistake.

WRAY

We’ll provide the duds, Gramps. Hope you like the color orange. Be in my office tomorrow morning, 9 sharp. I don’t like to be kept waiting.

Sound of dial tone as call ends.

JERRY

Don’t take life too seriously, Senator. No one gets out of prison alive at your age.

GRASSLEY

Help me, Duncan. Any advice in the slammer?

JERRY

Cover your rear.

JERRY

Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.