[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Leonard Leo Tapped to Rescue GOP

The Federalist Society’s Leonard Leo is the Supreme Court whisperer. Now the GOP has tapped him to pick the next Republican ticket.

GOP mega donors feared a 2024 MAGA bloodbath. But Federalist Society kingpin Leonard Leo soothed those fears in return for a sizable donation to his rightwing machine.

Leonard LeoAnd he did it the old-fashioned way.

According to sources, Leo agreed to pick the next Republican ticket. In return, elite donors will funnel money to Leo to go along with the billion bucks he already banked. The new money will flow on a dollar-for-dollar basis. Donors are pegging it to the amount of money they would have given the Republican presidential field.

But that’s not all. One billionaire told Humor Times, “He gave us a conservative super majority on the Supreme Court. Now he’s gonna put a conservative team in the White House. Ain’t no stopping us now.”

Elite Donors

The wealthy American was giddy, so he shared even more information with this liberal rag. He added the next point while speaking from a Las Vegas casino. “Leo knows how to pick em’. And we really need help. It’s getting to the point where most of the primary candidates are ready to attack one another.”

Consumed with optimism, the patriotic American added, “We’ve got to defeat the Biden Crime Family, inflation and control the border. We don’t need to spill blood hammering our own to death.”

But a second billionaire offered more details. She joined in on a Zoom call from Aspen, noting that two candidates from the gang of 10 held out until the end.

“Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and Sunshine State resident Donald Trump finally signed a pledge to abide by Leo’s decision,” according to the source. “But only after Leo let Ginni Thomas advise him on his decision. Leo also agreed to consider naming Kari Lake as the vice-presidential candidate.”

Even better, the upcoming announcement will attract millions of potential voters. Elon Musk, the billionaire owner of Twitter, will live-tweet the announcement, sources said. And Joe Concha, a Hill columnist and Fox News contributor, will provide color commentary. Musk is friendly with Trump and DeSantis.

Steve Schneider