We Americans are a party people, so Gender Reveal Parties are only the tip of the Reveal Party iceberg.
“The moment you learn the sex of your baby is magical. Share it with friends and family by hosting an epic reveal party – here’s how.”
— from “How to Host a Gender Reveal Party,” parents.com.
We Americans are a party people, so Gender Reveal Parties are only the tip of the Reveal Party iceberg (ironic, if you think about it). Here are invitations to possible future Reveals:
Please come join me for my Career Trajectory Party
Will I move up the hierarchy at work, possibly becoming the next partner? Or has my career plateaued so that, from this point on, I can expect only minor promotions and pathetic raises? Or, worst case, am I unaware that I already crashed and burned, so it’s only a matter of time before HR offers me a modest severance package and encourages me to find an employer who can better utilize my “unique skills”?
Whichever it is, please come share that magic moment so you can cheer me on, OR nod your heads in sympathetic understanding, OR give me a heartfelt pat on the back and quietly sneak out the door.
My Collegiate Future – Happening Live!*
(*Or not happening)
Please come witness my utter delight or total humiliation as I host my first College Acceptance/Rejection Letter Party.
How thick is that envelope I just received from Wesleyan? Thick enough to be the start of my college dream (and for my parents, their dumber second child’s pricy 4-year vacation)? Or thin enough to be the embarrassment I keep discussing with my therapist (not to mention the subject of several full-color nightmares, including one where I repeat “I’m not good enough” while standing naked in front of my Bio class)?
Regardless of the path to which this letter leads, please let me share with you this moment of elated acceptance, humiliating rejection, or wait-list exasperation!
Come join me as I learn what our financial advisor told my husband’s assistant about how significant a vacation we can afford this year and, acting on this advice, what vacation my husband’s assistant recommended that he instruct her to book.
- Will it fulfill my exotic dreams: An African safari? Trip to Machu Picchu? Three weeks in New Zealand and its dramatic landscapes and vineyards? OR –
- Is it something more mundane: A week visiting museums in London or Paris, or perhaps a cruise along the Rhine or Rhône (ideally without Rick Steves as our only guide)? OR –
- Will we economize yet again: Another long weekend visiting Manhattan art galleries or (ugh”) an “exclusive” tour of wine country in Warren County, New Jersey?
Whether I’m elated, deflated or borderline homicidal, please be there to witness it, record it, and post it on social media.
Please Share My Good Fortune (hopefully some fortune) by Attending My Inheritance Reveal Party (formerly known as “The Reading of the Will”)
My rich Uncle Gustav finally “kicked the bucket.” Will he finally “kick the bucks” to me, his favorite nephew (now that poor Cousin Henri “kicked the baguette”) (he was French)?
OR, will he gift the bulk of his estate to Doreen, the surprisingly young and often scantily-clad woman who lived with him the last 6 years and whom he called his “niece”?
OR, will he surprise everyone and leave his vast wealth to one of his many cherished charities (Over the years he’s mentioned Greenpeas and the Salivating Army, so I guess he was anti-hunger).
Whichever way the wind blows, I’d like you to experience with me my C’est Sera Sera “Will I be rich?” moment.
Renovation Revelation Party: From Hogwarts to Downton Abbey!
Come see mine and Barry’s plans for renovating our house over the next 10 years (or as soon as we can afford it).
Experience the excitement as I decide whether the kitchen walls will be Navajo white, feather white, eggshell or ivory … or if I will just stick with the semimonochromatic color scheme (Goldenrod and Michigan maize) they presently display.
Relive the ah-ha moment when we learn that quartzite is the natural mineral and quartz the cheaper synthetic, and share Barry’s panic as he tries to cancel my order for quartzite countertops and substitute resin.
Discover what we’ll do with the two working bathtubs we never use (spoiler alert: think Cialis ads!).
Learn our plans for the wall that currently separates the kitchen from the dining room and – as I’ve complained about for years – the cook from her guests: Will we leave it as is? Remove it entirely? Narrow it? Come hear the answer (spoiler alert: peepholes!)
Receive instructions on how to contribute to our GoFundMe home renovation campaign.
MY Gender Reveal Party!
If you’ve known me since grade school, where I was “Pat” and wore pink dresses one week and boys overalls the next; or knew me in high school, where I was “Pat” and used black Goth eyeliner and wore a sports bra one term, and sported a crew cut and mustache the next; or only know me at work, where I am “Pat,” wear TomboyX or WILDFANG clothing, play poker with the “boys,” and on alternate Tuesdays attend Pilates class wearing a tank top and leggings, then you’ll want to be at the Cubbyhole on 12th Street next weekend when I and my partner will reveal my gender and pronouns (not just personal and possessive, but even reflexive and interrogative).
Parental Reveal Party
Please join my husband Richard and me as we reveal the father of our soon-to-be baby. (Shhh, it’s a surprise for Richard).
My Legal-Team-Authorized Limited-Disclosure Party in Response to My Parents’ Original Gender Reveal Party
It’s come to my attention that my parents revealed my gender months before I was prepared to share it.
Therefore, with regret I am forced to sue them. It’s bittersweet, but I’ve decided to make it festive. So come learn who will be representing me and what contingency fee terms I’ve agreed to.
Please come prepared to sign a non-disclosure agreement (a fun and festive one, without WHEREASes or Latin).