Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Tour de France, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Tour De France begins
Watching the Tour De France … it’s hard to tell which cyclists are on performance enhancing drugs and which ones are in the control group.
Trump visits Dairy Queen In Iowa
… while DeSantis looks to shut down anything with word Queen…
Madonna: Doctor weighs in on bacterial infections
Welp … She is a bacterial girl, living in a bacterial world…
Cocaine found at White House
Authorities still trying to snort it out!
Former royal butler claims it’s ‘very possible’ that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will move back to the UK
Mainly, to annoy Piers Morgan.
Disciplinary panel calls for Rudy Giuliani’s disbarment
Rudy Giuliani might be disbarred, but he can still go to dis bar and dat bar.
Instagram Threads mounts serious threat to Musk’s Twitter
So, it the Nerd vs. the Turd. You decide, which is which.
Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest again
… An actual event where THC is a performance enhancer.
‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ opens
New Indiana Jones film should’ve been called ‘Indiana Jones and the Lost Eyeglasses Sitting on His Head.’
You’re not imagining it: Trader Joe’s employees are all boning each other
More worrisome is the use of off brand condoms like Brojan and Wifestyles.
MAGA lawyer Lin Wood gives up his law license ahead of potential disbarment
Folks are Kracken under the pressure.
Ocean Gate suspends all sub explorations after Titan implosion
I’m shocked, shocked Ocean Gate still had enough Legos and bubblegum to put together another sub.
Britney Spears slapped by NBA’s Victor Wembanyama security
… Too bad it wasn’t Russell Westbrook’s guys, they’d have missed.
Marjorie Taylor Greene has been expelled from the Freedom Caucus
… Although she’s free to be as dumb as usual …