Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews The Fuglies: Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today in studio my guests are Republican Congressman Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz, and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. All MAGA stooges and members of the Freedom Caucus.
JIM JORDAN
We changed the name Freedom Caucus. We’re now called The Fuglies. Proud to be effing ugly.
JERRY
The zoo just called. There’s a amber alert out for you, Chimp Jordan.
JORDAN
Marjorie. Give me a kiss before I’m captured.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
Get away from me. I could get Monkeypox.
JORDAN
I don’t have Monkeypox.
GREENE
But you’re a monkey.
JERRY
Monkeypox is a sexually transmitted disease. Not a chance Jordan has it. Nobody wants sex with him.
MATT GAETZ
Hey guys, don’t look at me just because I went to 10 high school proms last year. I’m a hero! I got Kevin McCarthy to vacate his seat as Speaker of the House.
GREENE
Right on. In honor of our victory, I brought a bottle of wine.
JERRY
I don’t drink wine. Real men drink beer. By the way, you dysfunctional Republicans practically shut down our government.
JORDAN
(They clink glasses. Sound of a chimp) Oo ee oo ah ah. Oo ee oo ah ah.
GAETZ
He’s going nuts, Duncan.
GREENE
Call a veterinarian!
JORDAN
I’ll be okay. Still a little sore after Congressman Hakeem Jeffries shoved a banana up my rear when I was showering in the health club.
JERRY
Now that you’ve destroyed the House of Representatives, what’s next?
JORDAN
I insist on funding to impeach Joe Biden.
JERRY
That’s impossible. You said he’s not the president.
GREENE
We want to impeach him anyway.
JERRY
You need evidence that Biden committed acts of treason, bribery, or high crimes and misdemeanors according to the U.S. constitution.
GAETZ
I don’t understand.
GREENE
Can I ask a question?
JERRY
Sure.
GREENE
What’s a constitution?
JORDAN
Something Democrats made up during the Vietnam War.
JERRY
What are you going to do about divided government?
JORDAN
We like when things are chaotic. We’re The Fuglies. We take our orders from Russia.
GREENE
No more money for Ukraine. No Chicken Kyiv.
GAETZ
There needs to be an exception. I rented some heavy lifting equipment from a company in Kyiv called You Crane.
JERRY
The truth is you three Fuglies don’t like living in a democracy. You want an autocracy.
GREENE
Yep. How can I become a dictator?
JERRY
Fail art school like Hitler.
JERRY
My guests Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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