[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff

‘Enough already with the gifts,’ says Facebook’s Zuckerberg, ‘and don’t Poke me either’

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg joined the ranks of the uber rich, he’s been receiving free offers from businesses across the economic spectrum. From free Crazy Combos® for life from Little Caesars to brand new top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances for his kitchen, Zuckerberg can’t seem to stop the flow of free merchandise to his home.

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff
What do you give the guy who has everything? “Nothing!” says Zuckerberg.

The latest bargain Zuckerberg received was a sweet financing deal from his bank — a 1.05% refinancing rate on the mortgage for his home in Palo Alto, California. While many Americans are struggling to get a half-way decent refinancing rate just in order to keep their homes out of foreclosure, Zuckerberg is the recipient of one of the lowest rates ever to be given to a homeowner. But the refinance rate and all the other goodies he’s received do not come without a hefty price.

Zuckerberg has been receiving threatening calls on his cell phone that have left him and his wife a bit baffled and bewildered. Many of us would believe the phone calls are coming from poor people who are sick and tired of being charged premium rates while the rich get away with record low deals, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

In actuality, the calls are coming from some of the richest people in the country. Evidently, Zuckerberg is the victim of ‘free luxury-item envy,’ a very real occurrence in the wealthiest of circles. News of the low interest rate (possibly the lowest to ever be offered to a rich guy) has other business magnates green with envy.

Upon hearing the news of the record low rate Zuckerberg received, Donald Trump, who has never been offered an interest rate lower than 2.875% in all the years he’s been buying up real estate, was said to be furious.

“Since when does some little startup punk get a better interest rate than me?” asked Trump when told of Zuckerberg’s good fortune. But when he realized the refinance rate was adjustable, Trump settled down.

“Well, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a whole different story,” said Trump, who claims he’s locked in at 3.75% on most of his properties.

“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” said Trump. “It’s a fixed rate. Thirty-year fixed. Just wait ’til the interest rates start climbing again. Then we’ll see who’s the smart guy.”

Meanwhile, Zuckerberg can’t take it, or in this case, receive it, anymore and is begging the businesses to please stop sending him free stuff.

“You are going to get me killed,” Zuckerberg was overheard telling an Aston Martin dealer in Palo Alto after offering him (Zuckerberg) a vintage automobile worth a small fortune, free of charge, no strings attached. Zuckerberg’s Japanese gardener, who has yet to convince Zuckerberg he doesn’t want any pay for the work he does at Zuckerberg’s estate, claims he overhears a lot of the phone calls and believes that Zuckerberg is, indeed, scared to answer the phone anymore.

“He told me right after he got the mortgage reduced, he said ‘Kim Lee, you don’t know how hard it is being rich.’ I told him ‘Yes, Mr. Z, maybe not, but if you want me to take your place, you just ask, boss. I’ll do it for nothing.’”

P. Beckert