[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

First Suicide Bomber Union Formed In Iraq

Initial union meeting described as a ‘real blast’

Union-minded Iraqis today formed the Suicide Bombers Local #467 in Baghdad, but promptly had to look for a new union hall, as a couple of the members brought their work with them. Sitting outside the smoldering building, surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door — along with their shoes — when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded.

suicidebombers union
Dwindling membership of first suicide bomber union.

Troubles did not end there, though. Neighbors of the new hall on 76 Virgins Lane complained about the loud exhortations of “Death To America!”, “Long Live Bin Laden!” and “Which Idiot Ordered Ham On The Pizza?” that went on deep into the night. After the neighbors were all executed, things settled down again, until some neighborhood brats thought it would be fun to steal one of the vest bombs left by the front door and play “I’m a Jihadist” at the local mosque.

Local #467 had to look for new accommodations after the mosque Mullahs not only had them thrown out, but excommunicated as well.

After a very difficult reorganizing — in which members converted to Zoroastrianism — the youngsters involved in the mosque debacle were outfitted and marched off to Falujah as “volunteers” for the cause.

At their new place on Rest In Pieces Street, the union organizers adapted their new religion to the cause by strapping bombs on vultures. (No, Zoroastrianism is not the worship of Zorro. It is a religion which leaves its deceased on towers to be consumed by vultures. Aren’t you glad you asked?) Unfortunately for the nascent union, most of the victims of the vulture’s bombs were people who were already dead.

Meetings at the new hall in one of the “bird buffet” towers came to a violent end however, because, as it turns out, vultures are very much like carrier pigeons, and like to return home. When their bombs have too much of a delay on them, it can be a problem.

Their numbers dwindling — and being excommunicated from Zoroastrianism as well — the union reorganized and converted to Jainism. This move unfortunately caused great dissent as Jains believe in not causing harm to any creature.

This dogma frustrated some members to the point of blowing themselves up with no one around. Others were so annoyed that they made sure they took the policy makers out with them.

Survivors realized they no longer had enough members to get a decent life insurance policy and voted to disband.