Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Oppenheimer sweeping the Golden Globes, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Oppenheimer sweeps Golden Globes
Big night for bombs on Golden Globes… What with all those wins for Oppenheimer and Jo Koy’s opening monologue.
Trump sent out 47 posts on E Jean Carrol
That’s more contact than he’s ever had with his daughter, Tiffany.
Michigan wins National Championship game
No surprise, all the stolen signs pointed that way.
Joe Biden to deliver State Of The Union on March 7
And all the Taylor Swift fans are rooting for her and Travis to still be okay.
Marijuana-filled diaper among items passengers tried to sneak onto planes
Now that’s some good s$%t.
Florida has become the first state to ban dictionaries
… Odd with the first syllable being named after the Governor.
AI-generated George Carlin drops Comedy Special
Look for an AI-generated Richard Pryor to tell them to go f%$k themselves.
Kim Jong Un has turned 40
… making him Kim Not So Jong Un
ESPN apologizes after airing clip of woman flashing her breasts during Sugar Bowl broadcast
Yup, usually the only boobs allowed announce the game.
Report: Tesla Autopilot involved in 736 crashes since 2019
That’s what happens when you choose DIE over DEI.
Tennessee ‘Moms For Liberty’ school board member resigns after arrest for shoplifting $728 in Target merchandise
Well, in fairness, it’s doubly expensive for her to buy gifts for her husband and their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
Pro-Palestinian protesters in LA block lanes on 101 Freeway again
And, no one notices any difference in traffic.
Octopus escapes aquarium
Be careful out there! He’s well-armed.
Trump took seven flights on Epstein’s plane
… One more and he’d get an in-flight movie free …
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/3/24 - December 3, 2024
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