Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Oppenheimer sweeping the Golden Globes, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Oppenheimer sweeps Golden Globes

Big night for bombs on Golden Globes… What with all those wins for Oppenheimer and Jo Koy’s opening monologue.

Trump sent out 47 posts on E Jean Carrol

That’s more contact than he’s ever had with his daughter, Tiffany.

Michigan wins National Championship game

No surprise, all the stolen signs pointed that way.

Joe Biden to deliver State Of The Union on March 7

And all the Taylor Swift fans are rooting for her and Travis to still be okay.

Marijuana-filled diaper among items passengers tried to sneak onto planes

Now that’s some good s$%t.

Florida has become the first state to ban dictionaries

… Odd with the first syllable being named after the Governor.

AI-generated George Carlin drops Comedy Special

Look for an AI-generated Richard Pryor to tell them to go f%$k themselves.

Kim Jong Un has turned 40

… making him Kim Not So Jong Un

ESPN apologizes after airing clip of woman flashing her breasts during Sugar Bowl broadcast

Yup, usually the only boobs allowed announce the game.

Report: Tesla Autopilot involved in 736 crashes since 2019

That’s what happens when you choose DIE over DEI.

Tennessee ‘Moms For Liberty’ school board member resigns after arrest for shoplifting $728 in Target merchandise

Well, in fairness, it’s doubly expensive for her to buy gifts for her husband and their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

Pro-Palestinian protesters in LA block lanes on 101 Freeway again

And, no one notices any difference in traffic.

Octopus escapes aquarium

Be careful out there! He’s well-armed.

Trump took seven flights on Epstein’s plane

… One more and he’d get an in-flight movie free …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)