Something Really Lewd and Disgusting Is Going On In Our Woods

It’s everywhere, it’s lewd, and you can’t help but step right in it. What can we do about it?

There is a great lewd and disgusting problem afoot and I would like to ask you, dear readers, to help me eradicate it.

I would like to create a petition and get as many concerned Americans as possible to help me stamp it out. It concerns an obscenity so horrible, so foul, so distinctly against the American way of life, that I am shocked it has continued on for millenniums without anyone doing anything about it.

pollen from a willow tree - lewd and disgusting
Pollen from a willow tree – ew!

That problem, my friends, is trees having wanton sex in the woods. It is so puckifying that I can barely even write about it.

Right now, where I am in the California Sierras, there is tree semen covering everything. You heard me right, I said “tree semen everywhere.” Pollen to you laymen. But semantics do not matter, it is still tree semen no matter what you think of it. It is still the sexual discharge of a lewd, filthy-minded tree (if they have minds that is) trying to get another tree pregnant. Or as pregnant as trees get.

It is so disgusting.

There is so much pollen this year are there like massive tree orgies going on in the woods? It is like it is raining pollen. How can any decent person take a walk in the woods without being covered with the fruit of a tree wet dream?

It is everywhere — hanging in the air, landing on our cars, getting in our eyes, our lungs, giving us allergies. It coats everything it lands upon with its yellow-green dust. It covers our cars, our furniture our hair, our skin. We can only hope trees don’t have any sort of contagious venereal tree disease. Trees can spread their filth as far as 100 miles away. This is not how our parents raised us, to be, to be putting up with tree sexual discharges all over the place.

It turns out that pine trees are the big guns of the forest, the Big Kahunas, the John Wayne’s, the Samson, the Tree’s Tree. Their pollen is heavier than other trees. So they are more to blame.

Pine tree pollen - lewd and disgusting
Pine tree pollen. Photo by Beatriz Moisset, Wikimedia Commons.

I wish to start here in California with a petition signed by every decent person in the state (if there are really any left. Charlton Heston might have been the last one) to Jerry Brown the Governor (he might be a decent person. It’s hard to tell) demanding something be done about this. If we were to get the signatures of at least half the people of all the towns in the state (forget about the Sodom and Gomorrah’s of San Francisco and Los Angeles. They would probably start having tree pollen parties just to piss us off) to sign, then we will have started something.

For those of you hesitant about jumping on the band wagon, let me tell you something else. Just look at the damage it does to innocents who have to suffer because of this arboreal sluttishness. How many of you out there who have loved ones in agony because of the allergies caused by this wanton tree lewdness? It is worse than any human form of STD.

Have you ever seen pollen magnified? IT HAS SPIKES! You are breathing these spewed out sex wastes into your sinus AND THEY HAVE SPIKES ON THEM!!!!! Do you want those things roaming around your throat and lungs? Or the rest of your body for that matter? And tree pollen makes a male cell called a gamete. DO YOU WANT SOMETHING STUCK IN YOUR SINUSES THAT HAS A NAME LIKE ‘GAMETE’?

Now here is a scary question — what if they get our women pregnant? How difficult would that would be to explain to relatives if your kid is half tree?

We need a Planned Parenthood for the evergreens. There are too many of them as it is. If they can’t learn to control themselves, we will have to do it for them. I suggest the manufacturing of gigantic condoms to be put over the trees during their erotic time of year so that they aren’t spreading their joy amongst we poor humans. If they don’t go for that, then maybe we will have to resort to a little ‘limbing’ (ie. Shall we call them arboreal vasectomies or be blunt and just say they are castrations?).

Maybe that will make them think twice before spreading their seed so far and wide.

This movement could easily catch on and spread to other states. Washington, Oregon, Colorado (although the fire seems to have cured a lot of their tree’s rapaciousness), maybe even up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, although legend has it they are as bad as druids there and will go out and roll in it when the time of year comes, putting them into an equally lustful frame of mind.

So ladies and gentlemen, I beg of you, join me in my quest for purifying these lewd forests. Help me in my crusade to make a walk in the woods or camping a pure and simple affair, not a cringing romp through an XXX rated forest bacchanal worthy of Caligula. Send in your signatures now and help make Americas forest lands safe for decency!

AND ANOTHER THING! It turns out that the stamens of flowers are essentially the male organs of a flower. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS TOO! We can’t have flower stores with naked flowers all over pointing their male junk at us as we stroll by! No wonder they are called pistils! This could lead to people telling really dumb jokes about it like “I wonder if its ‘stamen’ has any ‘stamina’! Ha, ha , ha!” This is obscene! This is barbaric! We need to put pants on those things!

OK, I’m finished now.