Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews political activist and movie & TV actor Alec Baldwin.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is political activist and movie/TV actor Alec Baldwin.
ALEC BALDWIN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
You seem to be in a good mood today.
ALEC
Life is beautiful.
JERRY
That’s what the captain of the Titanic said pulling out of Southhampton.
ALEC
Don’t mess with my head. I’m a big star.
JERRY
This is hilarious. You were born in Amityville, New York where the horror film takes place.
ALEC
Considering my brother is Stephen Baldwin, it makes sense.
JERRY
He’s a nut job. The guy has experimented with more drugs than Merck.
ALEC
Go ahead, destroy my family. Hold on, my meditation chant. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.
ALEC
Sorry. I lost my cool.
JERRY
Just like you did 17 years ago when you left a voice message for your 11-year-old daughter Ireland calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Or the time you assaulted a photographer for videotaping your daughter and ex-wife actress Kim Basinger.
ALEC
Where did you dig up that dirt?
JERRY
From your psycho brother Billy.
ALEC
I’ll make sure he never works in show business again. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.
ALEC
I might run for president. After all, I’m 65 years old and good-looking. Not like those two old farts Tubby Trump and Shuffling Joe.
JERRY
Hey, the Trumpster is trying to lose weight by following the four food groups: McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Papa John’s Pizza and Diet Coke. But let’s talk politics. You supported Barack Obama twice for president and Joe Biden.
ALEC
Yes, indeed. Biden has a favorite charity in which we raised money together called Gere’s Rear. Many helpless gerbils hidden in Richard Gere’s rear were rescued and reunited with their families. It brings tears to my eyes to this day.
JERRY
You can’t run for president. Two years ago, you were involved in a gun accident on the set of Rust in Santa Fe, New Mexico that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. The Santa Fe district attorney is charging you with two counts of involuntary manslaughter. He has evidence you pulled the trigger.
ALEC
I’m innocent. I swear on my brother Stephen’s life. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.
JERRY
Alec. Remember the last words of President Abraham Lincoln who said, “Never trust an actor with a gun.”
ALEC
You can’t rattle me. I’m cool, calm, and collected.
JERRY
Kim Basinger. Beautiful. Sexy.
ALEC
You make me wish I had more middle fingers.
ALEC
Kim was mean, sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see my daughter for years.
JERRY
Too bad, so sad.
ALEC
Well, I got even. The doctor made her watch my film It’s Complicated 10 times without being sedated after plastic surgery. Her lips grew so big they exploded.
JERRY
Close your eyes, because I have a surprise. Now open.
ALEC
Holy shit! My brother Stephen and he’s wearing a Make America Great Again hat.
STEPHEN BALDWIN
Hi Lefty.
ALEC
Back at you, Wing Nut. You’re a loser. That’s what mom told me.
STEPHEN
Funny. Dad told me you were a loser.
JERRY
I agree with both of you.
STEPHEN
I need to save everyone here. We’re going to read scripture. Right, Jerry?
JERRY
I lied.
STEPHEN
You’re a sinner.
JERRY
Should I pay for my sins with cash or a credit card?
ALEC
Jerry. Stephen may be running for president.
STEPHEN
You know why? Because you’re a liberal Democrat and I’m a MAGA Republican.
ALEC
New Yorkers know Stephen is a lunatic.
STEPHEN
New Yorkers know Alec’s career was finished after making the cartoon Boss Baby. How low will you go for a paycheck, pretty boy?
ALEC
Not a low as you, pothead. Six words. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.
STEPHEN
Barney Rubble is an American hero. Study history, toxic breath.
JERRY
Shut up the both of you. I got an idea for a film. How about Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers?
ALEC
(intrigued) I’m listening. Tell me more.
JERRY
It’s about two movie stars forced to spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Cher. What do you think?
ALEC
(pause) Ohmmmmmm.
STEPHEN
Where’s the restroom, Jerry? I’m gagging.
ALEC
I’ll join you, bro.
JERRY
Wow! I brought these two feuding idiots together. I’m smarter than Dr. Phil. Alec and Stephen Baldwin everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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