[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Pledges Retaliation After Court Shoots Down Immunity Claim

Ex-president Trump pledged retaliation against all his enemies after a D.C. court denied his claims to absolute immunity.

The D.C. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that former President Donald J. Trump’s claim of unlimited, lifetime presidential immunity is a non-starter and that he must face prosecution for alleged attempts to interfere with the peaceful transfer of power following the 2020 election. Trump, who has until Monday to appeal the decision to the Supreme Court, pledged retaliation and stated that he held writer E Jean Carroll responsible for his present legal difficulties. “Freakin’ lyin’ bitch,” he raged. “How could she accuse me of defamation?”

Trump pledged retaliation
Trump spotted outside the courthouse. Photo: Victoria Pickering, flickr.com, NC-ND-2.0.

Trump responded to this ruling by posting on his media platform Truth Social that Trial Judge Tanya S. Chutkan was racist, got her law degree courtesy of Affirmative Action, and “hates Trump.” He added that the jurist was a “no-count darkie,” who hails “from a shit hole country,” and that “she knows nothing about white man’s justice.”

Trump added that, with the D.C. court’s action, he would, if elected, have his retaliation by prosecuting, convicting, and then incarcerating former Presidents Joe Biden and Barack Obama for supposed crimes they committed while holding office. “I’ll have those sick f…s making license plates at the penitentiary,” he growled.

While speaking outside the courthouse Tuesday, Trump unfurled a long, typed, single-spaced scroll bearing, he claimed, the names of more than 5000 “enemies of the people,” whom his new administration would immediately retaliate against, should he win reelection The list was supposedly compiled by Trump acolytes Steve Bannon, Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller and Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the latter of whom is set to assume a cabinet-level position in a new Trump administration. Sanders will serve as the Child Employment Secretary, who will replace the Secretary of Labor. Sanders remarked optimistically that “whole new vistas for employment of the under -14 population are emerging on the horizon.”

Trump read snippets from the list. The roster of putative enemies included General Mark Milley, former Speaker Nancy Polosi and her husband “ol’ hammerhead,” every democratic member of the U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, MSNBC host Joe Scarborough and approximately 20 other “fatally disloyal” persons.

During judicial hearings leading up to the court’s ruling, the panel asked Trump’s soon-to-be-disbarred attorney John Lauro if the Constitution allowed for the president to plot and carry out assassinations. Before he could respond, Lauro held a whispered conversation with the ex-president, after which Laura replied, “Sounds good to us, your honor.”

The three-member, all-female panel afforded Trump yet another grievance. Said Trump in court, loud enough for everyone to hear: “These chicks are all against me, probably they ain’t been gettin’ any. Well, I’ll tell you this: they ain’t my type.”

Other News: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, now a pivotal force in Trump’s election campaign, told a crowd of homeless people in Tallahassee that he is taking action to have President Joe Biden’s name removed from Florida ballots in the general election. Flashing his electric, now famous grin, DeSantis added that transgenders would not be permitted to vote in Florida in 2024. “They’re all democrats anyway,” he said, looking lovely in a fuchsia Simkhai Ambretta dress.

Bill Tope
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