Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Oakland A’s baseball player Bean Werski.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Oakland A’s baseball player, outfielder Bean Werski.
BEAN WERSKI
Howdy Jerry.
JERRY
For the record, the A’s suck. Last season, they had 50 wins and 112 losses. The worst record in baseball. But you were the exception. A golden glove winner. A switch hitter.
BEAN
I never discuss my personal life.
JERRY
You bat left and right.
BEAN
I’m not really a switch hitter. Got married right out of high school to a local girl I knocked up. We come from a tight knit Polish American community.
JERRY
Then you must know how to stop the Polish Army on horseback.
BEAN
Nope.
JERRY
Turn off the carousel.
BEAN
I’m a proud Pole, Jerry. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to invade Russia. Won’t need NATO troops on their border.
JERRY
Talk about how you got the nickname Bean.
BEAN
Sure. Goes back to when I was 9 years old in Little League. The coach told me that I was gonna catch flies in the outfield. I thunk to myself ‘flies’…those ugly bugs that eat dog poop? Well, the coach hit a ball high in the air. I lost it in the sun and the damn ball landed on my head. That’s how I got the name Bean. The coach said the only error I made was playing Little League.
JERRY
The jerk isn’t laughing now. You’re in the major leagues.
BEAN
Yep. Last I heard, coach is workin at Walmart.
JERRY
The only store where a strong back and weak mind get you a job.
BEAN
You betcha.
JERRY
Bean. What makes you a good outfielder?
BEAN
Shucks. I can track and catch a ball. My arm is so strong, I can reach the cutoff man with a runner on base.
JERRY
Heard opposing team fans chant “Bean Werski.” And not in a good way.
BEAN
I have PTSD from being hit in the head by so many pitchers. I’m fully prepared for you to abandon me.
JERRY
I will after the interview.
JERRY
What’s it like to hit a home run?
BEAN
Don’t know. We’re the Oakland A’s. The other night the cops were called to the game when they heard one of my teammates was stealing a base.
JERRY
The Oakland A’s are like orphans, folks. They don’t now where home is. Bean Werski everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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