Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Train Engineer Dwayne Smith from Hibbing, Minnesota.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today I’m interviewing Train Engineer Dwayne Smith from Hibbing, Minnesota. The town is famous for its iron ore mines and singer/songwriter Bob Dylan.
JERRY
Good morning, Dwayne.
DWAYNE SMITH
It ain’t me babe. Get it, Bob Dylan… Hibbing.
JERRY
You’ve been eating too much moose dung, Dwayne.
SMITH
No. I like wolf testicles.
JERRY
(sarcastic) That’s a relief.
JERRY
I understand you’re an engineer. You must be the smartest man in Hibbing.
SMITH
What do you mean by engineer?
JERRY
A person that applies scientific principles to analyze, design, invent, and solve all sorts of problems in society.
SMITH
Yep. I graduated from Casey Jones Elementary. That’s how I qualified to be an engineer. I drive a mean train, Duncan.
JERRY
Not so fast, Choo Choo. According to a Federal Railroad Administration report, you are the worst train engineer in the United States.
SMITH
Yep. Nope. Yep.
JERRY
Four derailments in the past 7 months. One with hazardous materials in Ohio. People had to flee a town.
SMITH
Them folks got a bigger problem. Ohio is the only state that is round on both sides and “high” in the middle.
JERRY
An engineer is responsible for the train speed and brake handling. How in the hell did your train hit the only semi-trailer in South Dakota?
SMITH
The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
JERRY
Shut up, idiot.
SMITH
Don’t blame me for every accident. The other day two blondes were walking through the woods outside of Hibbing. According to the police report, they came to my train tracks. A farmer heard one of the blondes yelling, “Looks like deer tracks.” The other said, “No. They look like moose tracks.” While they were arguing, my train hit them. They’re now in physical therapy at the state mental hospital.
JERRY
Knock, knock.
SMITH
Who’s there?
JERRY
Dwayne.
SMITH
Dwayne who?
JERRY
Dwain the lake I think I’m dwowning.
JERRY
Dwayne Smith everyone. See you tomorrow.
SMITH
All aboard!
JERRY
The show is over, bonehead.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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