Federal workers unleash service dog uprising in response to return-to-office mandate.
At 8:30 a.m. on day one of the federal return-to-office mandate, a golden retriever named Monroe vomited on a strategic memo, knocked over a standing desk, and claimed a corner office at the Department of Redundancy Planning.
By 10:30, more than 10,000 service dogs had entered federal buildings — snoring under desks, chewing badge lanyards, and peeing on executive orders.
By Wednesday, America’s bureaucracy had gone fully, gloriously, to the dogs.
Welcome to Operation Paws & Order.
A legally protected protest under the ADA: employees could bring trained service dogs — and no one, not even the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Stapler Realignment, could ask why.
“You want me back five days a week?” said an analyst, adjusting her Bernedoodle’s vest. “Fine. Just know: he lunges when someone says ‘circle back.’”
Doctors cited symptoms like Acronym Poisoning, Slack Shock, and Cubicle Claustrophobia.
Agencies buckled.
“There’s a Bernese Mountain Dog in the SCIF,” whispered a contractor. “He’s got clearance, but he keeps eating sticky notes marked ‘TOP SECRET.’”
At the Environmental Metric Bureau, a Border Collie named Captain Sniffles chewed through a performance dashboard. Productivity instantly rose 12%.
By week two, there were at least 50,000 service dogs in federal offices — and one goat.
#PawsAndOrder trended across platforms. TikToks of dogs clocking in, napping on biometric scanners, and barking through Zoom briefings flooded the internet.
A schnauzer named Moonbeam now has a GS-14 title and her own parking spot.
Late-night hosts pounced.
“These dogs have done more for morale in two weeks than Congress has since 1976,” cracked Seth Meyers.
“Honestly,” said Jon Stewart, “replacing Congress with golden retrievers might be an upgrade. They don’t lie, they’re loyal, and when they hump a lobbyist — it’s not metaphorical.”
Congress responded in kind.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene called the protest “a Deep State dogspiracy,” accusing the canines of carrying microchips and conspiring with the deep state.
The next day, she was filmed feeding Beggin’ Strips to an Australian Shepherd during a Homeland Security briefing.
Senator Josh Hawley warned of “Marxist mutts infiltrating our institutions,” then walked back the comment after receiving 400,000 angry emails and a chew toy shaped like his face.
By week three, the dogs had won.
FOIA requests now come with pawprints. The Bureau of Morale Enhancement is chaired by a poodle named Raisin. Carl, the USDA goat, was last seen being fitted for a security badge and a navy blazer.
Asked how long Operation Paws & Order would continue, a staffer at the Bureau of Digital Backlog clipped a lanyard to her bulldog and said: “Until they let us telework again. Or the last tail wags and the last human finally admits: the dogs have won.”
Otto Controle writes satire because lobbying is illegal at his dog park. His service animals files most of his FOIA requests.
- Sit. Stay. Revolt. A Service Dog Uprising! - April 21, 2025
- Sermons from the Mounting Chaos: How Faith Leaders are Coping with Trump’s First 61 Days - April 9, 2025
- Trump Declares Mexico the 51st State - March 13, 2025
